Screenwriting : Who wants to help me chose a logline? by F. Aaron Franklin

I like C it's short and to the point. I'm not sure about the semi-colon, maybe a descriptive word/phrase could replace it - like, "to their surprise" or "when".

I have trouble envisioning what a "quirky band of serial killers" looks like. For that and other reasons I prefer C. That said, I'd like something more specific than "return the favor". "A pair of retired super soldiers fight back, and soon... whatever." I'd also like to understand who our main character(s) is/are. Are we on the side of the killers? The soldiers? The townsfolk? Or is it just bad-ass on bad-ass mayhem with no particular center of sympathy?

For all practical purposes, the female soldier is the heroin. There is, however a protagonist, who's a reluctant member of the band of killers and wishes to return to the life she left behind to blindly join them. This is touched in depth in my synopsis, but for the purposes of the log line and the target market, the serial killers vs. soldiers is the selling point.

If you'd read the script, I'd say that you're welcome to your opinion. You haven't. So you're welcome to your assumption. (ETA perhaps you did read it, as I didn't realize that I did post a draft here, however it is a previous one, and very different than the latest.) A log line is not a synopsis. It's a sales pitch. Something to get a producer to become interested in the synopsis, and go from there. In fact, I'm often surprised by how many people out there don't understand the difference between a log line and the short synopsis that would be attached to a query letter. A writer should actually have multiple log lines available, depending on who they might end up pitching it too at a given time. Below is a more character based log line I just through together for this same script: A young woman longs to return to the life she once took for granted. All that stands in her way are the band of nomadic killers for whom she foolishly left it behind. And below is a short synopsis; When the flashy and charismatic ABIGAIL COULTER convinced malcontent KENNEDY FITZGERALD to leave it all behind and join her cause, the latter had no idea that the former was matriarch to a band of nomadic killers. Nearly a year later, and Kennedy has formed strong bonds with this new family, but the pressure is on for her to perform her first kill, an experience which she wants to be a special one. In a twist of fate, the group flees to a sleepy and secluded town, one which happens to be home to GLORY BLAZES and HOWITZER SHANE, a pair of former celebrity super soldiers who were thought to have long since perished; and intend to keep it that way. Even as her crew's numbers dwindle at an alarming rate at the hands of this deadly duo, Abigail remains obsessed with claiming Glory and Shane as trophies. Kennedy understands how "special" of a first time these two would make. Upon meeting and bonding with Glory, however, Kennedy soon realizes that she could be the key to returning home to the life she had once taken for granted. She now finds herself caught between two deadly factions, neither of whom she can fully trust. What makes a log line so difficult for writers is that we're used to using words to describe things. Lots of words. Pretty, pretty words. When it comes to log lines, the goal is as few words as possible. I'm tired, so I'll step off the soap box now.

And I apologize for any exhaustion-induced run on sentences that synopsis may contain.

When her "family", a nomadic band of serial killers, settles in a small town and runs afoul of a pair of retired celebrity female super soldiers, a young woman must choose between two deadly factions intent on destroying one another. Ballpark?

Never said that you don't know what a log line s, just that there are a lot of professionals who don't seem to; refer to Blacklist for examples. Only gave a synopsis to illustrate how multiple log lines can come out of one story. As for production, when I begin pitching, my aim is small, independent studios. I'm not thinking in terms of names, big or otherwise. Obviously a character has an actor or actors (or even some guy you know) in mind, but that doesn't mean that you have a chance to get them. But this is a campy action-slasher. While plot and character are always important, nobody does to see Friday the 13h because they want to hear about the vanilla protagonists sob story. They want to see Jason carve people up. The not so innocent victims being serial killers is intended to make the guilty pleasure somewhat less guilty. Truth be told, so many of my scripts have been conceived as campy slashers, but end up evolving into something more serious. This one I've just managed to keep campy. FWIW, I take advice. I put it to use. But I also write to have fun. It's art. If I one day make money off it, great. But if you're worried that I'm going to quit my day job in favor of this, I'm not nuts. Do you know how hard it would be to find a cardboard box big enough for a family of four?

Kerry: Close, but not a pair of celebrity female soldiers; it's a husband and wife. Also, the first half is more all out slasher; the chose between encompasses the second half.

You're a family man too, ay? So you know the experience of tucking your baby into bed, kissing her on the cheek, then going to your desk to dream up new ways for people to kill each other. As you say, it's art. :)

Give me a break, everything I watch these days involves princesses and/or talking animals :) And it's funny you should mention that; I've always said that while movies like Saw and Hostel don't scare me, what does scare me is the thought of people whose job it is to think up brutal and innovative ways to kill.

I'd go with C, but I would also take out the semicolon and say "until a pair of retired super soldiers decide to return the favor."

I was making a joke there, there's no entanglement about it.

But FWIW, while writing a 90-120 page script is no easy task, it's arguably equally difficult to take that script and cram it into a spur of the moment 3 paragraph, prose synopsis, not to mention a 2 sentence log-line. That's why I was asking for advice on which logline option makes if pop. And back to a script being complete is that it alway evolves, at least until produced. Ever shot up in the middle of the night and rushed to the computer to edit a completed script? Course you have. This particularly project was complete about a year ago. When it was another project. It got some positive feedback with some buts. I used those buts to burn and gut the script into this latest project.

How about C but with a hint of the protagonist. Something like, "A former waitress joins a band of misfit killers and terrorizes a small town, only to be faced by a pair of retired super soldiers."

What Pete said: I don't know what character I'm supposed to imagine myself as... the serial killers? The super soldiers?

I find "quirky" to be very very wrong when talking about serial killers, even for a comedy. Therefore, a more clear version of "C" would be best. Pete's example works well, except for the word "misfits." Killers are far more than misfits. And, sorry, but I think you may need to research classifications of killers. Even in a campy, dark comedy it should ring somewhat true. Statistically speaking serial killers rarely ever band together. They're loners. Serial killers also kill over long periods of time and usually kill one victim at a time and in a series of events. With your story, it sounds like your killers should be classified as mass murderers or homicidal maniacs. Think about the difference between serial killer John Wayne Gacy and the boys who killed so many at Columbine High School. "Jason" from "Friday the 13th" would be classified as a mass murderer because he kills so many at once. So, perhaps leaving out the word "serial" and changing how you describe your killers would work better......."A band of homicidal maniacs terrorize a small town only to be faced by a pair of retired super soldiers." Best of luck with your script!

Most people get serial killers, mass murderers, and spree killers mixed up. Then there's your disorganised asocial and organised non-social variants. But I like the concept. And I vote A.

Hey CJ. Yup, one needs to know the basics! :) LOL However, the other thing or issue I have with logline "A" is that it seems too leading. You know... wink wink nudge nudge. Get it? It's ironic.

Sounds like C is the closest for me, but I think if the heroes are the supersoldiers, you'd mention them first for clarity, i.e. "A pair of super soldiers must come out of retirement when a band of crazed and quirky serial killers terrorizes their secluded town."

Yes, I think switching it around is better too. :) However, again, "serial" is not the best word here. From what has been described in the various logline options and throughout this thread, "serial" is an incorrect classification for this band of killers. This may not seem like a big deal but people tend to throw the term "serial killer" around without really understanding it. Please do get it right. They are the catalyst for your protagonists, are they not? Other terms that are often used incorrectly are psychopath, sociopath and/or anti-social personality disorder. Being a psychopath does not automatically make one a serial killer. Depending on your script, your killers may or may not be spree killers. Although, my guess is that they are mass murders. Anyway.... okay, just adjusting Will's logline rewrite a little; "A pair of super soldiers must come out of retirement when a band of homicidal maniacs terrorize their secluded town." OR, maybe; "A pair of super soldiers must come out of retirement when a band of mass murderers terrorize their secluded town." Best wishes to you!

Beth; "pleasure killers" would be the term. I'm very familiar that serial killers suggests that they have a specific type that they target, be it based on physical appearance, social class, career, or a case of a sick game in which they tempt those on the case to fugue if out. I use the term serial killers due to ifs familiarity as opposed to pleasure killer, which is not as familiar a term.

Yikes. I just read the post I had previously missed which contained the synopsis. I had no idea the protagonist was a woman? Huh? Where did that come from? F. Aaron, I understand what you were saying about having different loglines... the problem is you really only need one. One that nails your script. One that is crystal clear. Right now it's a hot mess. Reading over Alle's comments, perhaps you should consider them. Just because something is meant to be campy, fun and artful doesn't free it from reason and clarity.

Also, the word "quirky" is used due to them having their own personalities, as opposed to a bunch of relentless maniacs. In real life, killers are killers, and regardless of how charismatic they are, they're beyond redemption. But in movies and TV, they can get away with it, especially if their victims are not somebody that the audience would miss. Again, these killers are not "good guys." Think of a slasher movie. The audience more often than not cheers the killer on as he slices and dices through his mostly innocent victims. In this case, the victims are not so innocent. The Following, Lost (Ben,) Once Upon a Time (Regina,) The Sopranos, and Sons of Anarchy are all examples of recent works in which cold blooded killers are redeemable if for no other reason than that they're painted as being more likable than their victims, or else they go through their own adversity. In real life, they would be beyond redemption.

Beth: that was a synopsis drawn up in like 3 minutes, not the official oneSSCXJG ?/4:&. The bullet points are- -A band of nomadic killers (think Manson Family) -One (the protagonist) is reluctant, wants to get away, which is easier said than done. -After their latest kill, they move on to a small secluded town. -In this town live these one time elite "super soldiers." I don't love that term, but I can't think of an alternate. -They staged their death to be together; due to their not only being in the public eye, but essentially government property, this was the only way. -Once these killers come to town, they wish to rid themselves of them, if for no other reason than to avoid their cover being blown. -When the group of killers learn who they're dealing with, rather than attempting to make money off of it or fleeing, they take it as a challenge. -The protagonist (who has yet to perform her first kill) volunteers to make the first attempt to bring back a "trophy." She is instead caught. Ends up bonding with the wife (Glory.) Glory agrees that if Kennedy can get her friends to leave in their own, no more have to die. The disposables/cannon fodder

(Cont) -Kennedy (protagonist) and Abigail (cult leader/antagonist) face off. Glory comes to Kennedy's rescue. -The face off turns out to have been an attempt to flush out Glory (it is earlier revealed that they have the area under surveillance.) -Glory kills Abigail. Kennedy escapes into the woods. There, Shane (the husband) gets her and kills her in campy/clichéd fashion before cutting to black. (Deep breath.) Again, this was a brief run down created just to explain the synopsis. I am admittedly not great with synopsis, and it's not always the easiest thing to express the 90 page script in a page or so worth of prose.

And I can't edit that on the mobile device, so I should add that there's plenty in between Kennedy leaving Glory and the climax, just wanted to cut to the chase.

Hey F. Aaron, thanks for sharing more about your script. It looks like you have a lot going on in your story. Yes, there are roughly four types of serial killers; visionary (psychotic); mission-orientated (targets a group of people); hedonistic (pleasure killers); and power-orientated (control). At the risk of ad nauseam, I still don't think "serial" works here. Even Charles Manson (Manson family) was not considered a serial killer but rather a sociopath or ASPD. Anyway, I certainly have not read your script and all of us here are just trying to help you with your loglines based on what you have posted. I do think clarity would help. I wish you the best with your script. It does sound very promising. :)

And really, that's not a product of the screenplay itself so much as condensing a 90 page screenplay into a one page synopsis, much less a 2 page log line. Certain aspects are going to be left out, others showcased if for no other reason than it's the selling point in terms of the market I'd be aiming for. Am I saying that if you were to read the screenplay that you wouldn't come out thinking the same thing? I can't be certain. It's just that it's hard to judge a full length screenplay by that short synopsis, though I understand that that synopsis needs to offer as much as possible if you have any hope of selling the screenplay. If you ever wanted, I'd love for you or anyone else to take a look at it (not posted here) I've seen your page, and your credentials are more impressive than any I'll ever have.I'm open to any and all critique, and I always say that I'd rather Simon Cowell tell me something sucks than for Paula Abdul sugar coat it and tell me to keep on trying (outdated reference I know, seeing as neither are on AI anymore and I don't know who is:)) I've gotten mixed reviews via Blacklist (again, earlier draft), and I don't always trust their evals due to their being bound by a "do no damage" policy, and they're not able to say everything they mean. I should add that it's a turn off your brain and enjoy type of film. This isn't to say that it doesn't have to abide by the same rules, just that there are multiple corny jokes and cliches sprinkled in by design, which could be confused with sloppiness.