I've reworked the logline for The Club of Silence and I'm hoping this one hits the targets?
Embittered by betrayal and loss, an old west bad guy on a quest for revenge pauses in a prairie town to visit a brothel, but when he encounters an insatiable nymphomaniac demon disguised as a prostitute he’s caught up in a struggle for his soul.
Yes? No?
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think of when the story starts vs character background.
You are spending half the logline on background and only a few words on the story.
Visiting a brothel a cowboy encounters a nymphomanic demon forcing him to xxxxxx to save his soul.
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Hi, Sallie Olson. I don't think you need the "pauses in a prairie town to visit a brothel" part. We know from "demon disguised as a prostitute" that sex is involved.
I think "he’s caught up in a struggle for his soul" is vague.
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An old west bad guy sacrifices his soul to a nymphomaniac demon disguised as a prostitute to get revenge on the man who killed his lover.
When he meets a nymphomaniac demon disguised as a prostitute, an old west bad guy must fight to save his soul by...not fighting.
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Hey Sallie,
I love this idea!
Your logline is at 45 words, which really is pushing the upper limit. I think you need to get further faster. You can build on your logline in the synopsis - but for now, try to get to the inciting incident more quickly.
Usually when writing a logline, the basic structure is to follow: {protagonist with an adjective describing personality} does {the inciting incident} they must {main plot/goal/stakes of the story}. Your logline doesn’t really reveal the plot, only that “he’s caught up in a struggle for his soul.” How explicitly does your protagonist get into this position? Focus on this rather than your description.
Further, in the first half we have three similar descriptions: betrayal, loss and revenge. I suggest choosing one to get us moving along quicker, e.g. “On a quest for revenge, an old west bad guy…”
Like Maurice said, I also think “pauses in a prarie town to visit a brothel” could be reworked. There’s too much of a repeating theme that you can cut.
Try and rework it to be less wordy.
Other than this, your story does sound really interesting and I am excited to follow your journey!
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Soph Thank you! I think what's getting me stuck is that he DOESN'T achieve any of his goals. If we condense "story" down to 1. Someone wants something and 2. They either get it or they don't....then in this case, he doesn't. He wants revenge, he wants to get laid, and he wants to be free of the demon. He doesn't get laid and his attempt to get revenge backfires and condemns him into the demon's clutches for eternity. So, for me, the plot is that a bad guy with limited impulse-control gets what he deserves and it's his own fault. LOL
I'm really starting to hate loglines. LOL
A callous old west bad guy ensnared by a nymphomaniac demon disguised as a prostitute must do good deeds to save his soul...But bad guys can't be good forever.
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This one works Sallie!!
"How explicitly does your protagonist get into this position? " So that's the inciting incident: "Embittered by betrayal and loss". Works fine for me. Personally I also think that there is enough story in this logline.
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Sallie Olson No worries!
You don't have to spend time on the story's conclusion for the logline - only the inciting incident.
It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't 'get it' at this point, only what has gotten him into this position. The audience will find out.
With this in mind, you could format your logline like: an old west bad guy {protagonist & adjective} becomes ensnared by a nymphomaniac demon whilst visiting a brothel {inciting incident} he must... or risk.... {stakes/main plot}
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Hi @Sallie I sent Club Of Silence log line along with reviews. My feedback is more “in depth into the story” than standard USA Industry format & scores omitted. LOL I’m from UK Academia not Hollywood but some here use my two cents. @All Happy what’s left of the weekend! It’s Sunday lunch time here.
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Sallie Olson I like "An old west bad guy sacrifices his soul to a nymphomaniac demon disguised as a prostitute to get revenge on the man who killed his lover." The only suggestion I have is change "bad guy" to "bank robber."
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I like Soph's logline too, Sallie Olson. "With this in mind, you could format your logline like: an old west bad guy {protagonist & adjective} becomes ensnared by a nymphomaniac demon whilst visiting a brothel {inciting incident} he must... or risk.... {stakes/main plot}."
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Thank you, everyone! You've all given me a lot to think about and work on! I have some decisions to make! But for today....SUPER BOWL COMMERCIALS...I MEAN, SUPER BOWL! WOOHOO! :P
Must remember to put the little smokies in the slow cooker...
Debbie Croysdale I received your reviews and emailed you back (which I'm sure you already know, haha!). Thank you!!!
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You're welcome, Sallie Olson. Super Bowl and Super Bowl commercials!
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I’d avoid the phrase “old west bad guy.” Say what he is: a cattle rustler, a robber baron, a rich ranch owner, a bank robber… all those are villains in various westerns I’ve watched. Who is your character?
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Thanks Mike Boas , I think I'm going to go with "Old west bank robber." :)
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How about 'sex-crazed' or 'over-sexed' instead of 'nymphomaniac'? Nymphomaniac is a kinda outdated term with distinctly sexist overtones.
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A notorious old west bank robber seeking revenge on [object(s) of quest] struggles to survive when he discovers a lusty saloon girl is a soul-stealing demon in disguise.
A notorious old west bank robber seeking revenge on his treacherous gang struggles to survive when he discovers a lusty saloon girl is a soul-stealing demon in disguise.
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E Langley Hey, those are good!
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Christiane Lange good point about the sexist overtones. Hadn't thought about that!