Screenwriting : First page challenge by Liron Vardi

Hey, @Liron. I really like your page! Incredible job on the action lines! I was hooked!

1st page of The Phantoms:

Okay I’ll play. Mine is from Let The Rain Come. Liron Vardi great idea.

I'll jump in too. Here's mine. My film is called Mother Cosmos.

Here’s page one of “The Old Fish and the Sea.”

That amazing I'm also a screenwriter I wrote the last shadow

Maurice Vaughan love the concept of the Phantom - sci-fi/horror/zombie genre hybrid. Immediate hook. And we both have a "Brian" lead which is cool :) I also liked the first line, though I admit I had to reread it to understand there's a missing word (see).

Mike Schreurs is the script about the person who's gone and why it's the client's fault? If it yes, great, it's good to mention it on the 1st page.

Phua Wei En cool page, you show an adorable mother-child relationship and make me wanna know what happened to him.

Mike Boas I love it, the Brooklyn fish dude is such a hell of a character. I can imagine what Fish does next (if it's indeed based on The Fisherman and His Wife as it seems), but I'm sure Fish does it with loads of style.

Saviour Samuel Bhig SsA you're welcome to post your 1st page

EXT. MOUNTENSIDE. CRASH SITE - DAY

A burning private jet lies gutted across jagged terrain. METAL GROANS.

INT. PRIVATE JET - DAY

Compartments hang open, oxygen masks sway, bottles roll.

Deputy U.S. marshal BRIAN HANSSON (early 40s) dangless sideways in his seat.

Brian blinks and groans as a high-,pitched RINGING detonates his ears. He fumbles the belt. CLICK. Drops hard.

Across from him, petite blond ANGEL GREEN (late 39s), in orange scrubs, is shackled at wrists and ankles. Still strapped in, face bloodied.

Across the aisle: FERGUSON (30s), correctional officer, a leg jammed between seats.

FERGUSON

(to Brian)

Hey man, help! My leg's stuck.

Brian clocks outside: fuel pouring. Flames licking closer. Then FERGUSON: probably hopeless. Then Angel: stirring, coughing.

FERGUSON

Don't be stupid, Hansson. She's not worth it Get me out first!

Brian unbuckles Angel. She collapses into him, groaning.

FERGUSON

The fuck, man?!

BRIAN

I'll come back for you Promise.

Brian half-carries, half-drags Angel toward the

light --

EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE - CRASH SITE - DAY

BOOM! A FIREBALL destroyes the yet.

This is from my 1st drama pilot, Commonwealth:

James, I agree with your points It's only a first go through. I work slowly. The "probably hopeless.=> Telling. " is a bit tricky, if you really think about it, so I left it in.

I love these! I'm reading with Astrud Gilberto playing in the background and it gives them a certain something... Anyway, here's my first page:

comedy is challenging since there should be at least two jokes on every page. JUNK MAILE!

fist one was blurry.

forgive me community, for some reason, this platform makes my pages blurry. those two are completely unreadable.

Thanks, Liron Vardi. It took me a little while to get the first line right.

Thanks for the feedback, James Fleming.

"The Weight of Effortlessness"

A note from the second title page, "For continuity and clarity, the script uses distinct color palettes and aspect ratios to reflect shifts in perception, control and authorship."

Nice, so many cool writers' voices. But I particularly like James Fleming's action lines. Margin to (almost) margin, strong and varied verbs, adjectives likewise.

I will offer page 1 of Griffin Force, a post-apocalyptic sci-fi actioner.

Great Job Liron. solid cold opening…

here is the first page of my Sci Fi Pilot -Zon

His my dystopia horror.

First Page - The Glamour Boys

James Fleming why is it that all of the comedy TV pilots I have read are all capitalized in the action description?

.... Turn it around => "probably hopeless" => What is the ticking timebomb that visualizes this?

Sure, it's talking the plot, not showing I was thinking, and still am: how can the writer 'show' on screen Brian is trying to make a decision.

James Fleming I appreciate you for that. Junk Maile! is a multi- cam sitcom. I only wish my page was a lot cleaner.

Best

It’s not a screenplay yet, just a novella—an AI-generated draft of my concept.

The de-evolution game

Oooh I may participate in this later.

Question for Liron Vardi Do you have threads?

Love the idea!

Not Without You is the title of my short screenplay.

James Fleming your turn now :) What I love about your script is the beautiful imagery - def shows your author background. The language is elevated, atmospheric, however… From a screenwriting standpoint, this reads more like a novel than a film opening. You've got a lot of elegant description (great job, really!) but not much cinematic tension yet - no hook that tells us what we're watching as a movie. I’d try grounding it in a stronger sense of conflict or mystery right away. Maybe a small choice or obstacle for Wyrtgeorn? That could turn this from "beautiful prose" to "compelling cinema." Give us drama! Conflict! Have the stag kill Wyrtgeorn! (kidding… but you get the idea)

@nelson love it that you jump right into action. If “the man” is important – I’d capitalize and describe him. The last scene with Willie is a bit long and repetitive, can be totally tightened to 1-2 lines.

Abram Christian I can barely read it… sorry…

@freyja sounds interesting, though I can’t quite understand why we see the homeless people before we see Morgan (I’m assuming she’s the lead?). Can we see them later and get more of Morgan? Or maybe we can see them from her POV?

@tony love the voice-y prose and how you described Sam – I suppose that average Joe will have to save the girl next? That contrast hooked me right away.

@michael - honestly I couldn’t understand what’s happening, to who and where. Please do find a screenplay with a correct montage formatting and follow it, and ground us in a specific place and time (even if it’s general) so we can imagine where and when we are. Also, I wouldn’t overuse ellipsis (…) unless someone is stuttering in a dialogue, or very scarcely.

Angelica Flucas – I like the two kids already. Now what does the 1st scene do? Does that overwhelmed worker matter for later? If not, I’d suggest losing that scene or tightening it into 1-2 “atmospheric” lines.

Alex Bright very atmospheric and poetic, I like it. If you could only add a sense of conflict, or maybe show me Nathan (or the lead, if it’s not Nathan), it’d make me want to keep reading further.

Simon Iliopoulos great 1st page! Love the Figure, it’s creepy and unique, and the Disneyland reveal is great. Will def keep reading.

Aaron Lumley awesome and rich descriptions, great atmosphere, but… I’d tighten some of it if it gets me to the conflict/drama/action faster. Right now it’s ½ a page spent on the venue, the other ½ spent on the three characters, but nothing actually happens.

Meriem Bouziani go ahead and write it then!

G.R. Barnett no I don’t, but you’re more than welcome to follow me on X (@storyshowing) or DM on here if you like!

@cristina - first, is Asti a dog? I had to reread to see if I missed anything lol. Better mention it. Second, I’m guessing Mom’s call (which should be V.O. if we just hear her voice) is important for later? If it isn’t, though, I wouldn’t spend so much “first page real estate” on it.

Hey folks, really glad to see everyone jumping in on this challenge. In my screenplays, I put a lot of effort into crafting opening pages that hook fast, and deeply inspired by Breaking Bad - I never miss an opportunity for a cold open.

Thanks to everyone who read, praised, and offered notes. The ones I got are def worth considering for rhythm and clarity.

That said, I think there's a fine line between writing efficiently and writing distinctly.

"Screenplays don’t have to read like an instruction manual for a refrigerator. You can write them as a pleasurable read." - William Goldman

So IMHO a screenplay isn't just a technical document - it's an experience. I want whoever's flipping those pages to feel the tone, the humor, the VOICE - not just watch the mechanics unfold.

So yeah, I can tighten a few spots, but I'll also fight to keep a little charm and fun in the prose, even if it's well... not strictly "filmable." Because if the reader's not entertained... what's the point?

Feel free to drop more 1st pages! I love seeing them. Truly inspiring.

Liron Vardi The general settings seem to have a voice. Is there a narrator "Meet Brian Hanson" "Meet Angel Green", what do we see? The references to thoughts "Probably hopeless", how is that visible on the screen. While you describe the feelings of the characters, you are also directing. That is the director's job. "Correction: screwed" what is this?

@robert see my comment above yours. It explains my writing philosophy.

Be great to see more members post their first page so we can bask in their brilliance.

I'm a newbie at this, but with thick skin - so here's page 1 of my humorous mystery.

Here is mine

Hey Liron Vardi it really comes to life and is engaging. Great job.

Maurice Vaughan I love Zombie movies so much . The ex retail worker in me loves that the Phantom attacks a random customer!

I've been thinking about turning my short script into a feature script, Marie Hatten. If I do, I'll add a retail worker and a rude customer.

Maurice Vaughan please do. Have you seen Alive and All of us are dead, they are incredible! And of course Train to Busan.

@James, cool thanks. After your comments, I think I have a few ideas how to pare this down to a more readable sequence.

One thing to clear up"

"He" is the "the leader" (of the armed group) mentioned in the previous action block.

Set in 1972, woman breaks out of the mould

The good vampire, present day

Cadillac Jack, the assassin with compassion.

I've seen Alive and Train to Busan, Marie Hatten. They're incredible! All of Us Are Dead is on my watch list.

Maurice Vaughan it's unbelievable and like a lot of horror these days surprisingly moving and layered. They are making another season.

I will read all 1st page scripts posted in this challenge from the perspective of the audience. I’m hoping to read scripts that it impossible to turn the channel if I was watching on screen.

Ok, I play, This screenplay is far from finished, so who cares... BOMBSHELL

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2009/dec/23/miss-palestine-contest-she...

Serial Twins

Thanks Liron Vardi . It's more of an ensemble piece, really and Kensey is one of the mains, but thanks for the feedback! I'll take it in

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday too, James Fleming!

old but hoping you’d rip into it as you seem to do so effortlessly - kudos to you

...For all, with online software, turn your pdf into a jpg

James Fleming when you say write immersive and remove script language, specifically; one page montage to four lines — where? is this for action montages within or also for both beginning and ending section's of scripts?

i know you are a great author, so answer whatever you feel is right please and thank you in advance if you respond !

1st Page of my 8 Episode pilot series ‘Fictitious’ (season 1 of 3)