Screenwriting : Help to find better wording/phrasing please by Jackie Jimenez

Help to find better wording/phrasing please

so basically i cant find the right words to say what i am thinking for my character, basically i want to say "John learns he has a dark part inside him now and he needs to fight of this darkness in his determination to save his city and loved ones" but i know there is a better way of stating this so can someone help me a bit?

Doug Nelson

It's hard to help without knowing the story concept and/or genre – but I'll take a shot:John struggles through inner darkness to deliver his family and community...” This line tells me something but it shows nothing. In a script, we need to SEE John struggle.

Jackie Jimenez

ok thank you

Doug Nelson

Just a thought: John hovers at the edge of a [small town church tower, or the edge of a high rise tenement]. He clutches a tear stained photo of his wife and daughter. He steps off... FADE OUT: or.... The point is – show his anguish.

Simon A. Kristiansen

John is trying to save his beloved city and the people he loves, but first he has to overcome the darkness within himself. Just a suggestions, first thing that popped into my head.

Andrew Bruce Lockhart

Is this part of a logline, synopsis etc or action in your script?

Tao Ryan Moua

Hey Jackie, I wouldn't know or be able to help you find those words either because I don't know who John is and what darkness is inside him and the force that threatens his city? The questions are: - First, what is this "dark part" in John? This is what we called his "flaw" or "weakness". Is it a psychological flaw or moral flaw? It can be both, and if you can give your main character both a moral and psychological flaw, he becomes more 3 dimensional. You don't necessary need two, either moral or psychological is good enough to start off, but two are better. A psychological flaw is something like an addiction, fear or guilt, something to do with the mind/brain. Guilt is actually a good flaw because it's both psychological and moral. A moral flaw is something to do with people, the people he loves, and he's hurting them by behaving this way - like - he's stealing money from his wife or parents, hiding a secret like an affair with another woman and causing hurt on his family or something that is morally wrong. - Next you want to find what is threatening his city? What forces or villain (character) threatens the city he lives in? Is it a criminal, an alien, monster or mother nature? What is his relationship with the city? Is he the mayor, district attorney, teacher or just some guy (but this guy still has to be somebody like a janitor or construction worker) who loves this particular city? - Once you figure these two things out, it will become much much easier for you find those words.

William Martell

If this is a logline, it is all internal - things that we can not see on screen. Loglines need to focus on the things we see on screen.

Jackie Jimenez

wow thank you all fpr the tips

Fiona Faith Ross

Nooooooo. No inner demons, please. lol. It might be just me, but... I wondered if the inner demons would be outed in this thread. lololololol

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