Screenwriting : I have currently written three logline drafts for my feature film. Which one do you find more compelling? I look forward to your feedback.✍️ by Ebrar Bilister

I’m especially drawn to the third one. It has such a mysterious pull and strong emotional stakes. It instantly makes me curious about his journey and what ‘the shadows’ really mean for him.

I like the third one the most because “reclaim the soul” is a strong, attention-grabbing expression.

Great!Ebrar Bilister

I suggest using all three and creating a multi-layered, action-packed, and compelling logline that really draws people in.

“A poor, charismatic young man with a powerful voice embarks on a relentless journey to fame, only to discover he has sold not just his talent but his very soul. Now, he must fight against the shadows that threaten to consume him to reclaim what he’s lost.”

Sanna Peth Jennifer Ford Thank you for your comment. The third logline has stood out as the most prominent one.

Great, I’m glad you chose that one! :)

I would go with the third one, because it’s closer to my style.

I think the third draft is more compelling, Ebrar Bilister. I suggest telling what he wants to be famous for and telling who he has to fight, and I think "reclaim the soul he left behind in the shadows" is vague.

Maurice Vaughan I will take your advice into consideration. I should work on a more concrete draft. There is one thing missing. Thank you.

You're welcome, Ebrar Bilister.

I like logline #1.

A log line should start with an inciting incident, something that gets the story rolling. Why is he embarking on this journey at this time?

I love the third one; it is a reality left untold by many. Many stories about fame focus on the rise and fall, but that logline hints at a more profound, personal truth: the emotional and spiritual cost of that journey. I look forward to its success.

Hi Ebrar Bilister great loglines. Number 2 sounds like a foregone tragedy but number 3 sounds more like a redemption story waiting to be seen. Cheers.

Shanan Samuels I’m grateful for your wonderful comment. By the way, this story will present a spiritual theme, and it truly excites me that you noticed it. I also believe it will be successful. I’m still working on the logline because the scenes come to life vividly in my mind, yet the logline still feels weak.

The answer to the question “Why is he embarking on this journey?” is: “Every person has a talent, and no one should have to pay a price to another person for their talent. The one who makes that talent visible in you will make you visible.” That’s the shortest way I can put it. I’m still working on the logline. Sometimes I get stuck, but your comments help me improve, and I’m grateful for that. Johnny Otto

Without knowing more of the context for the story, #3 reads more like a logline then the other 2. But that's just me. Personally, if my thoughts mean anything, maybe add a touch of WHAT he had to overcome. Exp: A Poor young man aspiring to be famous must fight "the demons of his past" to reclaim the soul he left behind in the shadows. Something along those lines. Happy writing.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, and it’s really nice to hear that our writing styles are similar. Ugur Kayikci

I value everyone who shares their thoughts and advice with me because I truly work on these different perspectives and take them all into consideration. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Douglas Wilkinson

I would go with 3, but would also add a touch of detail as to what or who he must fight to reclaim that soul.

I would base it in number 2 and had some parts of 3. ie: I would change poor young man to an aspiring singer.

Muhammad,

“A poor, charismatic young man with a powerful voice embarks on a relentless journey to fame, only to discover he has sold not just his talent but his very soul. Now, he must fight against the shadows that threaten to consume him to reclaim what he’s lost.”

The Devil's Advocate.

The second logline feels more substantial, but it needs some work. We know the young man is poor and wants to become famous — but how? We should specify. Does he want to act in movies, or sing? I assume he wants to sing.

Next, the “sold his soul” part — to whom? The devil, or something else? And we should indicate why he sold it. What exactly did he have to do that caused him to give up his soul?

I think these three factors — what he wants to do, to whom he sold his soul, and why — should all be included in the logline. Also, if possible, we could hint at how he tries to get out of this situation.

The third one sounds good Ebrar Bilister but I would consider adding stakes to the logline. What happens if he doesn't reclaim his soul?

Here’s the Ghost Rider logline with Nicolas Cage. It could serve as a reference for your film:

"Years ago, motorcycle stuntman Johnny Blaze sold his soul to save the life of a loved one. Now, he transforms into a fiery, avenging agent of justice at night wherever evil roams."

I would consider a young man living in a desperate situation embarks on a perilous journey. With an engaging voice and a dream, he fights for his survival against those to whom he reluctantly sold his soul.

You can also look up the logline for the movie The Devil’s Advocate. It could serve as a bold reference for your film.

Hi Ebrar Bilister Thank you for sharing! I like all three though I do favor the details of the first logline and I think your logline might just benefit from combining logline 1 and 2 as they both offer parts that each don't have. Maybe something along the lines of "A poor and charismatic young man with a powerful voice learns the bitter truth that the heavy price he must pay for stardom, he sold not his talent, but his soul."

Not my greatest work but can work!

I think I prefer the third option. It sounds detailed but also mysterious at the same time which can make your work intriguing to readers.

It all depends on who you’re writing this logline for.

If it’s for readers, then mystery and any other stylistic elements are fine.

But if it’s for producers and filmmakers, there should be no mystery.

From the logline, they must clearly understand who the protagonist is, what the conflict is, and what the genre of the script is. That’s essential.

I personally like the third draft. I can see the story being that "it feels lonely at the top" This would open eyes to ourselves making it a magnificent piece. Just my opinion but hope this helps :)

Find a punchier word than poor. What is the actual conflict? Because bitter truth, faces, and must fight are not it. Dig deeper.

Hey. I find that there's not enough information. There are no stakes or conflict. He sold his soul and he wants it back. Okay. What does he have to do to get it back? Is there a time limit? Is someone else in danger if he doesn't? What if he doesn't get it back? Does he just walk the Earth without a soul until he dies? You may want to try something more like this:

"In his quest for fame, a musician unknowingly sells his soul but soon discovers that when he reaches the pinnacle of his success at his next concert he will die and be dragged to hell if he can't find a way to buy it back by then."