I'm new here, so if this is the wrong place to ask, let me know. Please give input on my draft logline. I want it edgy, but am worried it's coming across crude.
Colorz: Northern California’s most notorious female gangbanger is determined to join Tupac Shakur’s posse so that she will be “someone.” But her lethal addictions to crystal meth, street violence, and same-sex love on the down-low scream she’s nothing but a fake-ass, homie without a dick.
“Colors” (1988) meets “Precious” (2009) with a 1990s gangsta-rap soundtrack.
Inspired by the autobiography, Kristina with a K: A Rainbow Person’s Journey from Addiction to Recovery
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Interesting concept. I think the last part of your logline is crude. I also think your logline could be tightened up some.
Here’s a logline template that might help: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s job/career/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s job/career/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).
Loglines are one or two sentences. A one-sentence logline sounds better, and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it. Try to keep your logline to 35 words or less. Long loglines can make producers, directors, etc. pass on a project.
Avoid using “must” in loglines. “Must” usually means the protagonist is forced to do whatever they need to do in the story instead of doing it willingly. You might need to use “must” in a logline though, like when the protagonist is forced by another character to do something. Using “must” to choose between two options is fine.
Names in loglines are usually for biopics, well-known stories, and franchises (like Mission: Impossible).
Sometimes I put the location and date that the story takes place in instead of the inciting incident if it’s a Period Piece script.
All stories don’t follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow the template. The series logline for a TV show can follow this template, but the pilot logline and episode loglines for the show might not.
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Is this better?
A brutal Latina gang member hiding her gay/trans identity under layers of chola façade sets out to become a member of Tupac Shakur’s posse in order to regain her pride after being raped and beaten by her same-sex lover, who knows all of her secrets.
Your logline is better, Sherry Daley, but I think the first part is too long.
What about this: After being raped and beaten by her same-sex lover who knows all of her secrets, a Latina gang member hiding her gay/trans identity under layers of chola façade sets out to become a member of Tupac Shakur’s posse to regain her pride.
Or this: After being raped and beaten by her same-sex lover, a Latina gang member hiding her gay/trans identity under layers of chola façade sets out to become a member of Tupac Shakur’s posse to regain her pride.
this top one is tight, the bottom one tells a lot and would turn off the viewer. The problem is you have to drop last three letters for the sake of sales
Who is the hero, what is the hero's problem, and how is the problem solved - all in two sentences.
Mark Mc Quown