I need help with that logline, I feel something wrong with it but I can't figure it out.
"When a disturbed withdrawn young man finds the right job, woman and life, he kills the first woman that reminds him with his cheating mother, now he must face his worst enemies, him self, before losing his new love and his young friend".
The problem is that the story has a relationship of love and interest between the hero and a young friend who will commit suicide, and it has an antagonist who is the hero's manager at work, who will betray him in the end and cause the hero to enter the third act.
Although the work itself contains love between a man and a woman, but the story is based on the abandoned love between men and each other and between adults and young men and the absence of care and attention between them.
So I don't know exactly what the logline should include except for the description of the hero as mentally unstable, his need for financial freedom, and the post-traumatic impact on his life of his mother's cheating seen in His feeling to kill those who remind him of her.
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I second what Rohit said. Don't think of the longline as an entire plot synopsis -- it's just a hook! I.E. "Who has to do what, and why"
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Try this:
After getting his life together, a disturbed man kills the woman that reminds him of his immoral mother.
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Stick to your A-story. Don't talk about the B-story in the logline. Ideally, try to follow this guideline to write your guideline: Protagonist+Inciting incident+action+antagonist (obstacle or enemy).
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Thank you all for your kind comments, what I was looking for is Adam Jestin's concept, but I wasn't sure that the hero's life went straight and then collapsed due to the impact of the trauma on him, really thank you guys for sharing your thoughts and guidance.
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Hi, Mohamed Ali! Loglines can indeed be tricky! Sometimes we try to fit the whole story into it, but the focus is at a higher level. Here’s a template I received from a fellow screenwriter and friend: When [INCITING INCIDENT OCCURS], a [SPECIFIC PROTAGONIST] must [OBJECTIVE], or else (or before) [STAKES]. I hope this helps!