Geez I haven’t been on here in awhile. I’m starting a new project and would like some feedback on a logline. “A newlywed couple is driving cross country for a role of a lifetime in Hollywood when they become stranded in the woods and unwittingly accept help from the Devil himself” This is of course just a rough draft of it, but I would like feedback on how to tweak it some to make it better since I’m still new at this.
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What is the genre here? Comedy? Drama? Supernatural thriller? I can't tell from this logline. I'd clarify who is up for the role of a lifetime, one or both, and ask yourself is that really necessary info in the logline? Seems to me the Devil is what to focus on. So maybe just start out with "A newlywed couple driving across country become stranded and unwittingly accept help from the Devil..." But one element of your logline is missing. You have the protagonists and the (ultimate) antagonist, but what is their goal or obstacle to be overcome?
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A captivating logline consists of three key elements. A Protagonist (your newlyweds), and an antagonist (presumably the devil) and conflict, which is lacking here.
This might work.
When a newlywed couple gets stranded in the forest the devil makes them an offer they can't refuse.
For a successful logline we need: Protagonist vs. Antagonist = Conflict
Hope this helps :)
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After being stranded in woods, a honeymooning couple en route a big break in Hollywood accept help from a mysterious man who just might be the Devil.
What's the conflict? Is their destination important? After being stranded in woods, a honeymooning couple en route a big break in Hollywood [insert conflict here] the Devil.
[they battle the man who helps them,]
[they struggle to escape the man who helped them,]
After being stranded in woods, a honeymooning couple en route a big break in Hollywood accept help from the Devil who is in the guise of a man.
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How would random logline feedback help you write 80 to 120- screenplay pages?
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For those who believe in his system, Snyder's STC recommends a logline as a good place to start. Who's to say where and how to start.
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It's a little too generic at the moment, but it's a good starting place. A logline is just to help you get the gist of what the movie's about, and it can help you stay on track when writing, so for those who don't see the point in them that's a personal choice, but when you ask someone what a movie's about, do you ask them for a treatment or do you just need a one-sentence sum up to convince you to see it? What this logline lacking is a hook, something that grabs me and makes me go, "Yeah, I need to see that." Try something like this: When a newlywed couple takes a cross country trek to adopt a child, they wind up at a kids camp run by demonic counselors and lorded over by the Devil himself.
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A lot of logline get stuck in Act1. This feels a bit like that. Some of the detail you give is important in the plot, like being newly wed and it being a road trip. But in a logline I think a helicopter view is best.
After unwittingly accept help from the devil a couple must .... or .... but.... forcing them to .....
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Thank you to those who provided feedback and offered suggestions. Simple things that I over looked.
For those who were wondering, the reason why I was asking for the feedback was because I was reading Blake Snyder’s book, Save the Cat. And he says to start with a logline for various reasons. One of which is it helps the writer to stay focused on what the story itself is about. In his examples you get a lot of info in a logline.
So I will go back to the drawing board to insert the much needed conflict that is missing.
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I can't imagine the story from this logline, and that is the purpose of a logline.
Aside from the Devil thing (which is not very unique), what is the physical conflict at the center of your story? What is the struggle that this couple will have for the middle third of your screenplay?
Also, I don't see the connection between driving to Hollywood (a lot of words used on that) and whatever happens when their car breaks down. All of the pieces of a logline need to logically & obviously be part of the story.
Focus on that central conflict. One of the tools in my Loglines Treatments and Pitching Blue Book is to find photos that match each word in your logline so that the logline is about a story that we can see. We want to be able to read the logline and visualize the story - and that requires words that evoke images rather than vague ideas.