This is my logline:
"A tween horror-fan who hates vegetables is forced into battle when Grandma’s cabbages, kale stalks, and her dreaded brussels sprouts come to life and abduct his trans-kid sister."Is mentioning the sister as "trans-kid sister" vs. "kid sister" too much within a logline? I've written the character as trans, but I'm questioning whether that should be included in the logline. Watched an elightening doco on this subject and wanted to include a similar character in my script.
Thoughts appreciated....
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One small detail is never too much. In this case I think it add some depth and I can imagine that it may play a role in the humour in some way. These type of loglines are setting up a universe which is okay as the universe is unique.
If your logline was “a man struggles to win back his family”, I would suggest some action or story elements. But in this type of logline, full of animated vegetables you are fine. Well done.
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I think details like that might seem small to some but make a huge difference to others. I can see this logline working for a streaming network. I am always up for making protagonists stand out. It allows audiences to connect or at least spark interest to learn more about them.
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I like it. Think you could just make it his sister unless her being trans is really important to the story.
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Trans-kid sister is okay, but, personally, I would use kid sister. Let that character aspect unfold within the story. I read over the logline a few times and I too need more, some sense of a story narrative and not just a scene. Why is this happening? What happens if he doesn’t get her back? Plus, be careful. Dunno, sometimes labels in loglines seem more about “political correctness” or showing “social awareness” than authentic relevance. But you know your project best. Go with your gut. Best wishes!
Thanks eveyone, will work on that - for context, the title is "Night of the Living Veg", a YA horror/comedy.
How about these:
1) When a backyard experiment causes garden vegetables to come to life and attack, a tween horror-fan is forced to battle cabbages, kale stalks, and Grandma's dreaded brussels sprouts to save his kid sister and survive the night.
2) A tween horror-fan, convinced vegetables are the source of all evil, has his fears realized when they come to life and abduct his kid sister forcing him to battle cabbages, kale stalks and brussels sprouts in a quest to save her.
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IMO, I would just mention the character as "sister" or "little sister". The trans aspect of the character can come out in the script. But always go with whatever makes you feel comfortable. Remember, it is your story.
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Hi, Greg. Logline option number one. Boom. Story. ;) Nice poster too.
Beth Fox Heisinger Thanks Beth, well appreciated :-)
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Hi. Shorter is always better, so the only thing I'd change in your logline is "kale stalks" to a single word vegetable. Easy way to shorten without losing the impression you're trying to make. Overall, I think it's a good, gripping logline! I know who the protagonist is, the challenge, the veggie obstacles, the stakes, and the antagonist... well done!