I've just completed my first draft of a feature "Back To Bolton", intended mainly for the UK market. Phew! I'd welcome any constructive criticism of a couple of loglines I've come up with:
LOGLINE v1
A woman discovers from her elderly mom that she has a long-lost half brother, and sets about tracing him. She soon realises that confronting the past can be more painful than she expected.
LOGLINE v2
When her elderly mom reveals she has a son from a casual relationship long ago, her daughter sets about tracing him. She soon realises that confronting the past can be more painful than anyone expected.
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The loglines are rather similar but I have a slight preference for the first one. Whose past will be confronted? The mother's? The daughter's? Both? Is this a drama? What is it that makes the past painful? Would it help the logline if the pain were at least hinted at?
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All good points! Thanks. (It is a drama, and the past in question refers to the family in different ways.) I agree there needs to be more than just a hint of the pain. I worried that the first logline might appear ambiguous (who is "she" referring to?) but it sounds like that wasn't offputting.
Maybe this then:
LOGLINE v3
A woman discovers from her elderly mom that she has a long-lost half brother, and sets about tracing him, only to become haunted by stirred-up memories of the loss of her only child.1 person likes this
Definitely the first one. I'll think it over and see if I can recommend some tweaks but even though its almost as long as the second, it reads easier and flows better and hence does a better job being concise.
Though I do feel "half" in half brother is implied given the context. I'd probably say something like "and realizes" or "then realizes" because I personally think those have more immediacy.
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Thanks Nellie - I think the sentences can be joined together as you suggest. I've made another tweak based on Eric's input (above)
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Hi Steve, your V3 logline there is great! Quick detail though- why not "mother" instead of "mom"? Whilst some parts of the UK do say "mom", the majority say "mum", so "mother" would cover all regional dialects, which might be good if you're trying to obtain UK financing for it. Sounds like it'll be a great story!
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Prefer the 1st one myself. Is the "from her elderly mum" bit necessary though? It doesn't add to what happens, she could just be in the first 10 minutes for all I know. I also personally think the 2nd line is too vague. What kind of movie is it? Is it a violent thriller and "painful" is literal? Or is it a personal heart-warming drama and "painful" is emotional? Maybe be more specific about the conflict she faces.
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Thanks for the inputs - really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Some responses from me:
a) @Joanna "Mom" - yes, you're right - my head was in US English mode - it should be mum or mother - probably better to use mother.
b) @Fraser - yes, the elderly mother bit is fundamental, because her dementia is a major plot point in Act3. But I take your point that the reader doesn't know this. As for the type of movie - it's an emotional drama with parallels to The Father, and I tried to get more specific with v3 but it sounds like it needs more work!
Thank you again - what a great community we have on Stage32!
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This third version is definitely on the right track, Steve! I think it's important to keep the mystery out of loglines and to say precisely what the inciting incident is/obstacles and stakes are. So for me, "only to become haunted by stirred-up memories of the loss of her only child" reads FAR more potent than "confronting the past can be more painful than expected", because we know that much more of what to expect and have that much more of a visual for it going in.