Screenwriting : Logline for Icy Gamble by Madeline Peterson

It's nice, but starting with because make it seem kind of ... clunky? (IDK if that's the right word. What about: Four Minneosta college students make a bet to venture onto Lake Superior, in the dead of winter, and see if they can survive.

Or something just a bit more active

That makes sense! Thank you!

It's a very good start, Madeline. It's a great set-up for a story, but doesn't cover much beyond that first act. Try and focus on the central dramatic question of the story. If you'd like some further help on logline writing, I've put together a help-sheet that might be... well... helpful!

And who is left after they start disappearing? And when it's down to 2, who is the villain?

It's not far from being really tight. Maybe start with "Four college students" and put the bet at the end?

boring

What's the underlying theme? What's the pay-off?

Madeline:

I agree with Phil. You have a concept with potential. I just played around with your logline for a few minutes and came up with this suggestion. But try multiple variations until you think you have a compelling sentence. Here's mine:

Four thrill-seeking college students endure bitter cold, physical deprivation, and potential demise when they comprehend they’re ill-equipped to spend a weekend on the ice of Lake Superior.

This sentence identifies the protagonists, their challenges, and the stakes. The theme is survival and their antagonist is good old Mother Nature.

You don't need extra details like Minnesota and Duluth College.

If this really indicates your theme I could imagion you're in trouble Madeline. As Dough says "what's the underlying theme and what's the pay-off?"

Focussing on Phillip's construction of the logline:

Although you already depict the group fighting against all odds with words like "bitter cold", "demise" , "ïll", and "superior" , I was looking for a synonym for "comprehend" that's a bit more catchy, Phililip. What about:

Four thrill-seeking college students endure bitter cold, physical deprivation, and potential demise when they soak up they’re ill-equipped to spend a weekend on the ice of Lake Superior.

"What's the underlying theme and what's the pay-off?" For me means "why should I root for a bunch of idiots"?

The only way that I can see (right now) is pitying them, like:

After losing a rigged bet, four college students endure bitter cold, physical deprivation, and potential demise when they soak up they’re ill-equipped to spend a weekend on the ice of Lake Superior..

This could indicate that (one of) the winners of the bet want's them dead -- probably because one (or more) of the losing group has a shitload of money they could potentially get to after blubblub...Sure you could simply say "four RICH college students", but then the suspense would be gone before you even start watching the movie.

Of course there is a TWIST; one of the losing group must make sure that there are no ends attached..

But it's your story. Madeline. Just my take.

I bet the bet is about love.

Four college students venture out in the dead of winter and the last standing survivor will have earned her right to date the school team’s handsome quarterback.

Madeline Peterson well I love it.

If people ask "What's at stake?" then they did not read it because it's

SURVIVAL = LIFE OR DEATH,

even if it's undertaken frivolously, to me that makes it even more true to life.

Stay with your own vision and expression!

The antagonist /problem is too vague.

You are right Daniel, but is that enough...? Maybe, depends on the screenplay...

Try this:

"On a bet four college students venture out on a frozen lake to spend the weekend, only the ice isn't as solid as they thought and something else is our there with them."

Rutger, my friend, I like your modification idea. Something that you're always good at. Let's catch up soon. It's been too long.

Yes, let's catch up soon.:)

Let's look at it through a Producer's eyes - I'm not trying to be cruel, I'm trying to be honest. It comes across as very sophomoric concept having limited market appeal. Shooting out on the ice is expensive and who cares if some dumb college kids get swept away by the Great Manitou?

I realize from my logline that I have mainly focused on the first act and nothing on my second. I am very appreciative of everyone’s comments. I am glad I posted it on here. I am in my final stages of editing my script and hopefully with a clear logline I’ll be able to put it out there ☺️

Hi Madeline! Cheers and wishes success on your venture as a storyteller. But 1st thing 1st, is it a comedy? Dramedy? Thriller? Horror? RomCom? What is the premise? You have a great concept idea, which is awesome! But my humble advice is to also write it as a short story or outline to give you a better grasp of your complete story, which in turn we help you nail your logline. The best advice is to take advantage of the screenwriting webinars (some are free) to educate and to learn what's really important in YOUR storytelling, script format, pacing, and execution of your wonderful idea. To understand the 7 elements of storytelling: Theme, Characters, Settings, POV, Plot, Conflict, Resolution

Let's apply your logline to see where your story is at the moment.

"Because of a bet made, four Minnesota Duluth college students venture out onto Lake Superior in the dead of winter to see if they can survive a weekend on the ice."

Theme: Betrayal? Family? Competition?

Characters: four college students

Settings: dead of winter. Trapped on a dangerous frozen lake?

POV: four college students

Plot: Survival

Conflict: A bet??

Resolution: if they can survive?

Apply these 7 elements to your WHOLE STORY as well.

Honestly, your logline reads like a very good short synopsis. I would love to give your screenplay a read!! Cheers!