Hi guys, here's my other Query letter for my other horror project. Please let me know what you guys think as this got the attention of Zero Gravity Management.
Dear Agent/Producer,
I have completed a script called SCALES that I would like to submit for consideration.
Genre: (Horror, Adventure)
Logline: When an enormous crocodile begins to terrorize the small community of Discovery Bay, Cody must ban together with his estranged hometown friends to stop its rampage.
Set in the small northern California town Discovery Bay, an enormous crocodile makes the delta its permanent feeding grounds during the summer season. Fiercely territorial, only Cody can stop the beast from terrorizing the town, that is, if he can make amends with his estranged friends.
I graduated from San Jose State in 2021 with a degree in Film. I have written short scripts for Illumeably Media and work as a script reader for Blue Cat Screenplays.
If you are interested in reading the full-length screenplay of SCALES, please let me know and I will send you a copy of the script.
Thanks for your time and consideration.
James Fine
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This is a great query James! Love How short, succinct and clear you wrote it. Remember, when querying you only have a short amount of time to capture someone’s attention so this got you in and out quickly with what mattered. Wishing you good luck with the attention you got from this!
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Hi Jim, it came out nice
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It was called Crawl. Whats different about yours? Whats special about Cody? it sounds pretty str8 forward. whats the twist or hook?
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I agree with the opinion of Danny Manus. Your annotation lacks drama, the confrontation of the hero and the crocodile. The hero can just go to Alaska and never see crocodiles. The goals of the hero and the crocodile do not overlap in any way.
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'... band together' not '... ban together'.
Also, the way you have those participles, the crocodile is set in Discovery Bay and Cody is fiercely territorial, but the fix is easy (also cut 'permanent' since beast is only there in summer):
Scales is set in the small northern California town Discovery Bay, where an enormous crocodile makes the delta its feeding grounds during the summer season. Only Cody can stop the fiercely territorial beast from terrorizing the town, that is, if he can make amends with his estranged friends.
I know I am being annoying, but a lot of people do notice these things, especially when you are selling writing.
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What do you guys think of this updated small Synopsis?
Scales is set in the small northern California town Discovery Bay, where an enormous crocodile makes the delta its feeding grounds during the summer season before the annual boat parade. Fiercely territorial, only Cody can stop the beast from terrorizing the town, that is, if he can make amends with his estranged friends and overcome the corrupt mayor who’s trying to hide the problem.
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No, there are too many things, there should be one main goal in the logline. Example - The hero gets into a fight with a huge crocodile to save friends stuck in the middle of a river \ lake \ bay on a sinking boat.
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Jim Fine If it really is Cody who is fiercely territorial, you may want to rephrase that, both to provide his motivation and to avoid confusion ('territorial' is typically used about animals more than about people).
Perhaps something like: Fiercely devoted to his home town, Cody is determined to stop the beast from terrorizing its citizens. To set the town free, he will need to mend fences with his estranged friends and find a way around the corrupt mayor, who is trying to hide the problem.
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Didn't I see a movie like this somewhere? Not that it matters , if yours is very good.
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I appreciate the constructive criticisms you guys have given me. I need to do a better job at enhancing the drama and point out what makes may story different from so many others.
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Maybe more specific of "enormous croc" like how dangerous and special croc powers? Today, 2023, full auto rifle or grenade launcher would've killed the shark in Jaws at first sight.
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I like your query letter, Jim Fine. This sounds like CRAWL meets JAWS. Here are some suggestions for the query letter:
Change "Dear" to "Hi" or "Hello."
Remove the brackets around the genres.
For the logline, change "Cody must ban together with his estranged hometown friends to stop its rampage." to "a ________________ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) bands together with his estranged childhood friends to stop its rampage." I changed "estranged hometown friends" to "estranged childhood friends" because you already used "hometown."
I like the updated small Synopsis, but I agree with Christiane's note ("If it really is Cody who is fiercely territorial, you may want to rephrase that...").
Try to think of a catchy subject line.