Currently working on a animated series.
Title: Beyond the Veil
Logline: after the mysterious disappearance of her mother, a timid explorer and an arrogant magician venture into the forest of forbidden knowledge, unaware of the horror that awaits them. 2. When her mother mysteriously vanishes inside the fabled Forest of Forbidden Knowledge, a timid explorer forms an alliance with a arrogant magician to brave its depths, only to discover the forest's lore is guarded by a horror far worse than they could've imagined.
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Beyond the Veil sounds intriguing, Zorrawa Jefferson. I like both loglines, but you could go into more detail about "the horror that awaits them" and "a horror far worse than they could’ve imagined." And I think logline #2 is stronger.
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The first is brilliant.
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The first is good and more story detail needed.What i have learned dealing with studios they are looking for in deoth story details with a uniquw selling point.
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Both are good but I'd cut some words, noteably any adverbs. Adverbs barely make it to 95-110 page scripts so really bloat a logline.
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I love it =) good luck
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I love the title Zorrawa Jefferson. I would consider adding stakes to the logline you choose. I'm guessing it's the timid explorer's goal to find her mother but what will happen if she doesn't and are there implications of not finding her outside of themselves? Will it affect a town, city, world?
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Hi Zorrawa Jefferson ! cool and intriguing pairing of your two adventurers. Two thoughts on the logline:
- as Leonardo Ramirez 2 pointed out, 'stakes' are critical to share. It's what drives all action and makes us want to follow their journey. And Leonardo added a few nice thinking prompts in his comment.
- the more concise the better, as Michael Dzurak mentioned. Not just for the pitch but, I find that when I don't work with a tight logline, I move sideways from the story I want to write more often than I'd like.
- Also, consider making your protagonist our main focus from the get go. For example, "When her mother mysteriously vanishes inside the fabled Forest of Forbidden Knowledge, a timid explorer forms" might become "When a timid explorer’s mother vanishes in the Forest of Forbidden Knowledge, she must forge..."
Happy writing!
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I love when people ask questions like these because you get very informative responses from this wonderful network. And, the rest of us get to benefit too! Good luck with your project, sounds like a powerful story :)
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my initial thoughts are what happens if the mission is not accomplished?