This is the logline for a project I'm rewriting. and as a non-native English writer, I'm struggling to make it sound less formal.
'A small-town teen’s dream of becoming a model and escaping poverty turns into a manufactured fantasy controlled by a powerful billionaire, forcing her to confront the predatory industry that created her."
Any suggestions?
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Hi, Luciano Mello. I think "turns into a manufactured fantasy controlled by a powerful billionaire" is vague. What's the manufactured fantasy?
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Thank you and you are right Maurice Vaughan "Manufactured fantasy" is her modeling carrear , I think this may sound better “A shy small-town teen’s modeling dream is taken over by a powerful billionaire who controls her rise, forcing her to confront the predatory industry behind it.”
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You're welcome, Luciano Mello. I think that's a stronger logline. What's the "it" in "behind it"?
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Hello Luciano Mello 'created' who, the model? It's not entirely clear. So, does the girl make it as a model and then get caught up in the drama? So, she's a shy teenager who fulfills her dream, but at a terrible cost.
It sounds very intriguing!
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Alex Hunter Thanks, You’re right, it is a little vague, but isn’t that a good thing? Doesn’t a bit of intrigue help make the reader curious enough to want to read more?
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Intrigue, yes. But not to the point of confusion. Just a touch more clarity changes confusion to curiosity.
Think of it like a seduction. You're trying to get the reader into "bed" with you.
You don't want to confuse your partner. You want to titillate. Entice. Come hither but with words and reading.
I struggle with loglines too. This method has helped me some. Not much, I'll admit cause the struggle is so very real, but it has helped some.
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Luciano Mello I appreciate I'm coming from a different perspective, as a novelist, but I think intrigue will be better served by a tad more clarity. I'm sure it only needs a few changes!
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I have to admit I like what you've got as is.
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You definitely have some good content; it just needs to have more clarity. I played with your logline and came up with two examples that might help. Perhaps you can find something in the logline that you can use.
1) Motivated by hardship, an ambitious teen, is drawn into the glamorous world of modeling and falls under the control of a powerful billionaire, stripped of her autonomy, she is forced into a tense battle for both survival and her sense of identity.
2) An ambitious teen, driven by hardship, enters the glamorous, modeling world-only to fall under the control of a powerful billionaire, forcing her into an intense fight for survival and identity.
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Way too much stuff going on here. Why not start with - An impoverished teen's stardom fantasy is challenged as she struggles toward a modeling career. There's lots of room in the story for creepy characters in a flawed industry.
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You can also try : A small town girl's dream for modeling is crashed by the powerful billionaire taking her into the world of cruelty facing with challenges and hazardous games she's never imagined before.