Filmmaking / Directing : How Can I Make This Logline More Intriguing? by Dwayne Williams

Hi, Dwayne Williams. Unique concept. I think the logline needs a better structure. Here’s a logline template that might help: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).

A one-sentence logline sounds better than a two-sentence logline in my opinion, and a one-sentence logline takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it. Try to keep your logline to 35 words or less. Long loglines can make producers, directors, etc. pass on a project.

Thank you for your feedback! I’ve refined the logline based on your advice—what do you think of this version?

"After rolling the dice in a cursed board game, a group of friends is pulled beyond their subconscious into a nightmare realm where fear shapes each trial. Lose, and an ancient evil will claim their bodies forever."

Would love to hear your thoughts!

You're welcome, Dwayne Williams. That's better! I think your logline is intriguing.

Interesting, Jumanji meets the Old Testament. I like it.

Well laid out, Maurice.

Thanks, Pamela Jaye Smith.

Hi Dwayne Williams - what a fun idea. I wish I had better advice than WME's story editor Chris Lockhart, one of the great logline experts on earth, but I don't so I'm gonna share a link to his Stage 32 webinar on how to make your loglines attractive to A-List talent in front of and behind the camera. There is gold in here for logline creation. Here's a link so you can check it out: https://www.stage32.com/education/products/how-to-make-your-logline-attr...

Thanks for posting the blog link, Sam. It's always a positive thing to get more information out to we story-tellers to improve our creations and our marketing.

What does it mean to be “pulled beyond the subconscious”?

Does your story have a main character?

My Dad taught us to use Roget Thesaurus for Synonyms and Antonyms. These days you can us grammar checks or AI tools to find a better choice of words. I would not use 'cursed' as it immediately makes the reader feel uncomfortable, feeling maybe best not to watch or feeling ike is my life cursed, maybe it is or I'd not be watching this! Try 'evil' instead. Or mind boggling. Or leave it out. Let the reader draw his own conclusion. I'd say instead "An exciting new board game where players can play telepathically, go into each others' minds, dive deep into their inner fears, only to find that they are trapped and what happens to losers ... . No escape or is there?"

PS: Writers' block, lol. We all get that sometimes. I once agonised over one scene, dialogue, what to say when it is raining and freezing, no cabs and he has to guide a gril oto the nearest subway? Maybe leave it to the actors to change those lines on set. After you have drenched them in the studios with buckets of 'rain'. Ice cold. :-)

Maybe if you replaced "A cursed board game possesses its players" with "A demonic board game takes possession of its players" , sounds a little more evil and dramatic.

Demonic sounds good. A bit like 'Matrix' without the wries or 'Inception' . A game of mind control? A board game invented by an evil genius or even secret intelligence. Maybe it is moreal in a subtle way than we realise? That is what nedia propaganda does. Even advertising is in a way trying to convince people to 'think their way'.

.

Maybe make it more scary in a personal way. Day to day fears. That way most people can connect to it. Like the players can see back into their childhood days and those fearful moments, like being alone in a house with a storm and lightning outside? Or stalked on a lonely dark street?

What is "beyond the subconscious"? That makes no sense, unless you're a psychology major, studying theoretical idioms. Try this:

"A cursed board game pulls a group of friends into a nightmare realm where they face trials shaped by their own fears and an ancient evil may claim their bodies if they fail."

Thank you all for your insightful feedback—I really appreciate the different perspectives! Christine, I like your point about word choice and how ‘cursed’ might carry unintended connotations for some viewers. ‘Evil’ or ‘demonic’ could definitely be stronger choices, depending on the tone I want to set. Dan, I also agree that ‘demonic’ adds a more intense, dramatic feel, making the game’s presence feel more sinister and controlling.

Christine, your thoughts on media propaganda and mind control are interesting—there’s definitely an element of that in how the game manipulates its players. It’s more than just a supernatural force; it actively rewires their choices and morality. The idea of psychological horror tied to real-life fears, like childhood trauma or the fear of being trapped, is exactly the kind of personal terror I want to explore.

Anthony, I see what you mean about ‘beyond the subconscious,’ and I appreciate the feedback. The idea behind it is that the game is showing possession from a different perspective—rather than just a spirit taking over a body, the player’s consciousness is pulled into the nightmare realm, where they must fight to regain control. To enter a possessed body, they have to survive the trials within this realm, essentially battling the forces trying to consume them. It’s not just about fear—it’s about being forced into the mind of evil itself and seeing if they can escape before losing themselves completely.

I’m drawing inspiration from a mix of Jumanji (the game as a powerful force), Saw (high-stakes survival and moral dilemmas), Constantine (demonic influences and supernatural horror), Inception (layered psychological manipulation), and Silent Hill (twisted realities and psychological torment). This blend creates a unique experience where players are trapped in history’s worst massacres, forced to survive or take the murderer’s place.

Again, I appreciate all the input—it’s helping refine how I frame this concept.