Okay, so I am going through the effort of covering chapters from one of my novels into a script. In this particular moment, one of my characters has some noticeable physical changes when he is furious, but I am wondering weather or not I should be describing the changes as I did in the novel or is there another way to approach this? This is an excerpt from the scene I am speaking about from the novel:
"Aldrin's eyes turned to the guilty vampire. If one thought Aldrin was angry before, the look on his face would redefine the meaning of furious. His eyes narrowed, the crimson pigment glowing and despite being in the light of the fire, his skin appeared to darken almost to be shrouded in a dark fog. If this was not enough to worry the vampire his eyes laid on, then the unexpected calm tone that followed, did."
- Heir to the Eternal Throne
Do I just cut the extra descriptive details and describe the change in the script or can I just add a line in () saying to reference the chapter and paragraph/page it comes from? Thoughts?
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So when he is angry, this happens:
- His eyes narrow
- a crimson pigment glows
- his skin is almost shrouded by a dark fog.
The above is what I understand from your post. I would write it like this:
ALDRIN
His eyes narrow from rage. The crimson pigment glows. And his skin is almost shrouded by a dark fog.
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Trevor Prime Okay so I do still added the description, just without all the fancy wording. Got it. Thank you. This is much appreciated.
Just like a movie would do it. You can go into detail the first time.
Think of how you have seen a werewolf done in film. “Eyes turn yellow,the sound of cracking bone and legs grow. The person throws their head back and screams in pain, this becomes a howl. Hair springs from every inch of their body as their face becomes a snout”.
Next time it happens.
“Their eyes turn yellow - from the shadows a werewolf appears”.
Craig D Griffiths A. S. Templeton Okay, thank you both. I will edit out the 'narrowed eyes' bit. Honestly I admit that's one of my biggest conflicts. The novelist in me is just used to describing these things.
I haven't read the other comments yet, but I will. Just from looking at the description, I think you have some terrific imagery, which is great. I noticed three things that you could maybe do without as I read. Take out the "if one thought" part of that sentence and just describe his look. I also thought the "worry" part was ok, but maybe too wordy for a script. Then the "tone that followed" is a description that should be evident without you having to write it. Just some quick thoughts.
If a dramatic transformation is ...horrifying?.....fearsome?.....unnerving?....enough to worry a vampire.....I'd consider it my duty as the writer to convey that, and probably in a rule of three type-of description, and in descending order. Great. Greater. Greatest. If a vampire becomes white-knuckle scared, I'd show how in my description.
It's your unique story. You're the unique writer. Wow us. Give us three great lines that describe those three main visuals that create a fang-chattering fear in a vampire before the contrast of the "unexpected calm tone." Picture it in your head. And how long it takes.
It's only a cliche if you write cliches. I'd want to see what makes a vampire scared, and so would an audience. That's a heart-racing moment. If you feel a bit troubled by it, remember...many pro writers talk about how sometimes it takes many hours for them to write the right line, and that they'll throw hundreds of descriptive lines out to get to the best lines. This is a great opportunity for you to write three great lines that will make other writers say, "man...I wish I wrote that." Sometimes writing isn't one-and-done, quickie-Rickie stuff. That sounds like a big potential dramatic moment, and you should proceed accordingly.
And imagine if a producer asked you "what happens to him that makes him scare the fangs off a vampire?, and if you answered, "oh...that's up to the actor to decide how to play that.." Now THAT would really be scary.
Best fortunes to you, Christopher!
A.S. - to suggest that a spec writer who is not a "name-brand Hollywood screenwriter" should not attempt to optimize what is clearly a very dramatic transformation seems to be a way of speaking down to that writer.
Producers/directors/financiers/studios/other writers hired to rewrite can change whatever they want to change, but that's still a great opportunity for the original writer - the person who imagined the original telling of the tale - to show what they can do, and how they think it should be executed. Originality and uniqueness shouldn't be shunted because you think something is "unfilmable" - and especially when you know nothing about the actual scope of the project.
And your statement about actors being free to interpret lines - while true at times - doesn't have anything to do with the physical transformation of the character in question. There were no mentioned "lines". Maybe you should re-read what Christopher wrote. It's a visual event that takes place before a line is even stated - and Christopher didn't even state the line that follows it.
You and I can disagree on those positions. So be it. And I'll ignore the "moron" and "troll" comment from you, and especially considering the source. At least I didn't misinterpret what Christopher asked; at least I didn't talk down to him about a potential solution to his query; and at least I didn't offer a rebuttal that was way off the mark to another poster (me) who actually did understand what Christopher was talking about.
Bill Costantini Yea, I agree with your OP. The novel itself still needs work. I am just not doing a second draft of the novel until I am satisfied with the first in the sense that I like how the story unfolds and such. It's just my method. Ill go though it and rework description and what not at a later date. Not to put it off no, just not to get sidetracked. If I start now I will end up doing it through the whole thing and delay everything else.
I was more concerned here with how to approach this in a script format. Scripts are, at the least, something I am still rather new at so there are a few technical details like this that throw me off or I get un-confident with in the sense I am not sure if what I am doing is acceptable to the industry.
I have heard a few times that most scripts will differ in general between directors. And even if that is the case, and these technical details just depend on the director, I still don't see the harm in getting a second opinion. Anyway, before I rant, I will digress. Thank you for your input.
A. S. Templeton Two points. First, please do not post on my threads with replies unrelated to the topic. I will ignore you. I will not respond to you. And I also encourage anyone involved to do the same. And second, I don't care. I don't need your permission to try my hand at this and practice. I don't need anyone's permission or approval. I am set on seeing my way through this. You don't have to like it. You don't have to support it. Hell, no one does. The whole industry can be against me and I will not stop trying. So, well known or not, I will do what I can with what I have, and I will continue to come here to this very nice and helpful community for assistance if I feel I need it. If you have a problem with this, don't comment and don't waist my time. Okay? Good.
Isaac Sweeney Thank you for your feedback sir. The comments have been helpful thus far along with additional insightful points. I will make note of what you said. I was starting to think along the same lines as you after I read the paragraph again but, as I said above, for the novel the edits will just have to wait. Fir the script, well, I will give it a shot and see how it feels. Delivering on the tension and fear though is a key point here.
Bill Costantini P.S. Not going to lie, when you said "If a vampire becomes white-knuckle scared," I had to take a moment and wonder just how funny it would be if an already pale vampire got paler lol. That would be a priceless moment to say the least xD
Christopher: Yeah...maybe I should have said "translucent-knuckle scared." Heh-heh.
I actually did read your setup/mythology of your trilogy. I think it's a killer concept, and you've done some seriously exciting and marketable world-building. Writing those three lines are a lot easier than what you've already done. Make them succinct, scary, and optimized for effect - what we see, and what we hear.
Best fortunes to you, Christopher.
Bill Costantini Thank you :) I don't joke when I say I spent 14 years on this already. World-building, to me, is the best part. And really? Honestly I could never tell if anyone does but thank you for the support. I have to say it is nice to see this new take on vampires alone being welcomed. A lot of readers of the genre have told me in the past it was nice to be given something refreshing and not focused on some teenage love triangle.
I mean, I have nothing against Twilight other than the sparkling vampire bit but it really did kill the genre. I am told quite often that if I had not made the title to be what it is, they would have assumed that it was just another love story.
Best wishes to you as well sir. And thank you again for your insight. It has been most helpful :) Your right though, compared to the other things I have done, this should be easy.
There are no grades of writers. You are either good enough or not good enough. Your story holds or it doesn’t.
Goyer said he had a cool phrase in Blade. It wasn’t until the director asked “what does that look like” that he knew it was a bad choice.
To quote him “i’ve Never been that lazy again”.
Until someone pays you, it is yours. You have the right to use ever tool you feel is required.
Craig D Griffiths Not quite what the Original Topic was about but well said.