Working with my screenwriter, Christina Patjens aka Lucie de Jong, on loglines for my screenplay; below is the result. Which one do you prefer: #1 or #2?
1. Tumultuous times in Saudi Arabia and France in the seventies influence a young American expat’s life after she discovers that her yet-to-be-believed family roots are a well-concealed lie, and that her mother’s arcane past stems from post-WWII Germany.
2. When a young American expat accidentally uncovers a devastating family secret, she detects a shocking truth about her mother’s arcane past who does everything to conceal the exposure which has its origins in post-WWII Germany.
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I like logline #2 better, Carina S. Burns, but I would rewrite the second part of it.
"When a young American expat accidentally uncovers a devastating family secret, she detects a shocking truth about her mother’s arcane past and does everything in her power to conceal the exposure, which has its origins in post-WWII Germany."
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Option (2)
The exposure of "what?" That could be key to the logline. The foundation where the story is build on.I know, you don't want to give away too much, but too little could even be worse.
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I think she's trying to conceal the exposure of the shocking truth (the truth about her mother’s arcane past), Rutger Oosterhoff 2. So people don't find out about the truth.
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Yes, I get that Maurice, difficult, I know, in general, you want to keep the susprence about her arcane past, don't know. Maybe the story is about the "concealing" and not about "what" she's trying to conceal.
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You might be right, Rutger Oosterhoff 2 ("Maybe the story is about the "concealing" and not about "what" she's trying to conceal").
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I'm left unsure of the through line. What does the protagonist spend most of her time trying to do in the second and third acts? What genre is this?
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Go with No. 2 and don't look back. The story sounds interesting. Good luck!
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Number 2 is great!
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Carina S. Burns Great job. I will go for number 2. It expresses much more conflict. I suggest you fine-tune the verbs and adjectives. For example: "a young American expat". Is there any adjective that can better describe her? Like, "a reckless American expat" (just an example, you know who she is). Another example: "she detects a shocking truth". Is "detects" intentional? Or you can use something like "reveals" or "unearth"? Don't take the examples literally, but the concept.
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No. 2 seems to grab one's attention right away. I'd go with 2. Best of luck dearie.
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Hi, for me a logline should allow me see the movie.
I don’t know enough to see this movie in my head.
So once she learns this, what does she do? That would be the movie.
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I go with what Craig says. You're not able to tell your story within any of the loglines posted. However, number 2 seems to be halfway there. Tweak it a little more and you'll get a better result.
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Looks like a delicious mother daughter drama.
In the seventies a young American expat uncovers the secret about her mother’s Nazi past and must jeopardize their relationship in an attempt to rebuild it from scratch.
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I can't really know if it ticks all the boxes but in my opinion this is a very good logline Wal. You can even feel the irony now! That the mother wants to conceal her past is so logical that it can be taken out of the logline.
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If you want my opinion, Logline #2. It seems more confident and more upfront with the idea.
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Thank you, Maurice Vaughan, Rutger Oosterhoff 2, Eric Christopherson, Niksa Maric, Judith Marie-Ange Edmorin, Matthew Parvin, Wal Friman, Craig Griffiths, Abraham Adzashojal, and Babatunde Ehimal for all of your constructive criticism. Christina and I appreciate this immensely:D Have a great day!
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You're welcome, Carina S. Burns. Have a great day as well! :)
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Thanks Rutger, very friendly.
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I like #2 as well - but both are intriguing! Well done.
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I like #2 but where is the woman an expat? can you replace the word arcane with something more descriptive? And can you tease the outcome that this secret will create?
Rosemond Perdue, I just played around with these: After a rebellious expat accidentally discovers the staggering truth about her parentage, she doubts everything she's ever learned, and still her overly-secretive and tight-lipped mother refuses to offer any information which was buried in post-WWII Germany.
When a rebellious expat accidentally uncovers a devastating family secret about her identity, her tight-lipped mother tries everything to prevent her daughter from knowing the facts which are buried in post-WWII Germany.
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Who's the main character in the story, Carina S. Burns? I like your new second logline, but it sounds like the mother is the main character because she has the goal in the story ("her tight-lipped mother tries everything to prevent her daughter from knowing the facts").