Screenwriting : Looking for feedback on a feature logline by Deborah Bete

Hi Debbie the word quiet collision stood out. First read it pulls me in but it needs to say more, maybe more specific about the kind of relationship the two have, still two words,

Hi, Deborah Bete. It sounds like your script is a Romantic Drama from your logline. I think your logline needs a better structure, I suggest using one sentence if you can, I suggest giving the French woman an adjective, and I suggest adding the story goal and stakes.

Hey Deborah Bete - I would consider adding a goal for the protagonist as well as stakes. Here's the template that I use - you don't have to go by it exactly but from it, you can tell what elements are missing from your logline...

“After ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

I love the logline description of what you're going for, but what are the woman's names, what does she try to achieve through what conflicts or challenges she needs to face?

Here are some of my loglines I wrote for my feature films.

Feature film logline #1

In Montréal, fall 2009, it follows Adamma, a Nigerian-Canadian teenager who navigates sibling bonding with Dayo, a mischievous but loving older brother, and Binyelum, a boisterous but bright younger sister, while juggling life with secondary education, responsibility, friendship, and her effort to enjoy her teenage years.

Feature film logline #2

In Montréal 2016, it follows Serene, a sweetheart but anxious Black Canadian photographer woman where she feels unease with Tobias, a respectful but patient Black Canadian car repairman who kindly offers her nurturing and tender care in their romantic relationship.

Feature film logline #3

Logline: The comedic film plot follows Josh, a hurried but worrying black traveler who only has four days to arrive at his sister's birthday before noon. He was joined by two black travelers, Mikey, an obnoxious but helpful one, and Brianna, a clever but daring one, who were helping him from Toronto to Vancouver after the three of them missed the travel bus.

I hope what I showed you really helps you on how you write your logline.

Sounds like a nice story. I would lead with your inciting incident and then your protagonist goals or actions and then the stakes if he or she doesn't take those actions.

Where is the conflict? What is testing the couple? What is the goal? What is the restraint? Unfortunately, this logline doesn't grab the reader or give any sense of urgency or the plot of the story. You have to tell the audience why they should care about this couple.

Try this: "A famous American hiding from his failed career within a New York coalition, meets a French woman suffering from a debilitating disease, and must find the courage to perform one last time to pay for the treatment that may save her life."

Hi Deborah! This sounds like a beautiful, character-driven concept. The phrase 'quiet collision' is very evocative and sets a clear tone for the dramatic territory.

To make it even stronger, you might consider adding a hint of the 'external' stakes or the specific obstacle that is testing their restraint. Is it a professional conflict, or something else? I'm currently co-developing a high-concept pilot where we focus a lot on the balance between external world-building and these types of intimate, unspoken connections. Best of luck with the refining!

Hi Deborah Bete, the tone is lovely and atmospheric, and the connection between the two characters comes through. What I’m missing a bit are the stakes: what makes this “quiet collision” matter, and what either of them stands to lose or change if they give in to that desire. Even a hint of what’s at risk (emotionally, personally, or situationally) could deepen the engagement and sharpen the dramatic pull. You’re very close; it just needs that extra layer of tension to land fully.

Here's my thought. What if a woman who works as a luxury front desk, by she is lonely because many colleagues believe she is strict and rude. However, she accidentally bumped a nice guy who works as a hotel manager who is recently hired has a beautiful face and she gets blushed and not to embarrass herself. Since then, the duo been trying to know each other while handling the chaotic duties of working in a luxury hotel where guest satisfaction matters while making a connection and understanding each other. Very positive tone. No cynicism, no dark humor. Just a romantic comedy on a duo handling their mundane jobs while understanding each other's feelings.

thank you Chase Carmichael Sandra Correia Salisu Abdullahi Anthony Moore John Fife Kelvin Bernards Leonardo Ramirez Maurice Vaughan H. Romero-Gomez

And this ?

In New York, a burned-out French executive and a disillusioned movie star walk away from their carefully constructed lives and collide by chance. Over the course of one suspended afternoon, an unplanned conversation strips them of their defenses, leaving them unable to return to the roles they played before.

The 'quiet collision' concept suggests a strong character-driven two-hander, but the market-fit usually requires a sharper external pressure to sustain the second-act tension.

You're welcome, Deborah Bete. I think your logline needs a better structure, and your logline is just the setup. The logline is long (49 words). I suggest keeping your logline to 35 words or less/around 35 words.

The quiet collision and unspoken connection leaves a lot of questions about what characters are we dealing with? Was it a chance meeting?

Deborah Bete I think the redo you wrote in the comments is so close, I would try making it a fluid, long sentence, perhaps try removing the sentence break, and play around with what you have there in that redo you just wrote, I feel it's in there. Those words, the feeling and the descriptions really bring it to life when I read it.

Chiming in. The logline has to have more conflict built into it. What are the stakes? Who are the characters? EVERY word of a logline has to work very hard to convey the story and hook the reader.

I like much of what @Anthony Moore wrote: "A famous American hiding from his failed career within a New York coalition, meets a French woman suffering from a debilitating disease, and must find the courage to perform one last time to pay for the treatment that may save her life."

https://industrialscripts.com/famous-logline-examples/

Try In New York, a burned-out French executive and disillusioned movie star walk away from their carefully constructed lives and collide by chance. Over the course of one adventurous afternoon, a two-hour elevator stop leads them to reveal their desires, dreams and fears to each other. And ultimately leads both of them to change their lives forever.

Bonjour, mademoiselle Bete. My thought, in a bipedal anthropomorphic world of New York City. A French female blue mouse named Angelique Clausier who just moved to New York to explore her dream of owning a fashion design store met a male red mouse named Marque Antoine a recent French expatriate who moved in in order to make a living selling cars. Bumped into each other and already at first disagree with their ideas and then they each share sharing their ideas of making their American dreams.

A French woman and famous American man who spend an unplanned afternoon together in New York are forced to confront whether they can return to the lives they were living.

Howard Koor and E Langley thanks so much for sharing these loglines -- really appreciate it!

Happy to contribute:))