Screenwriting : Opening page of my feature screenplay! by Ryan Avery

Intriguing, well done. I would keep reading!!!

The opening is interesting and has mystery, Ryan Avery, especially the paragraph about the figure changing between a woman, man, child, and elder. The only part I'm confused about is “THE SPACE BETWEEN SPACE.” I’m not sure what that means. Great job on the opening.

This is a compelling opening! Definitely would love to see how this goes! It draws in a lot of urge to keep reading.

The opening few lines, though well written, don’t give me anything to visualise.

If I handed that to a set designer and do some drawing for me. What would I get back.

That is my only feedback.

Hey, Ryan Avery, this is a super opening. I love the reference to Ephesians. One question, is the Space Between the Space another dimension?

My first reaction is that I don't know where I am and I'm not sure why I'm there. The "space between' needs ends so it can be between something. 'The restaurant at the end of the Universe' had a location and nice windows, too. Having an ephemeral location could be okay but it needs enough definition that someone else can do something with it for visuals as Craig D Griffiths pointed out.

Hi Ryan - great job and very intriguing story line! I could be wrong, but 'sat' is UK English and being an Aussie, we mostly use sit. Overall, I didn't find it a detraction from the overall read. An fyi - my script Joseph purposely begins in a similar way. It's mainly to get the reader to pause on that moment (though it's only page one) it's a solemn and emotional moment pulled from further into the script.

Ryan Avery, what a imaginative scene and I love your location "The space between space". So cool. Your characters are powerful and thier is obvious compelling conflict!

My only suggestion is change the first word from Rain. To FADE IN:

and if applicable add a "quainty of rain" to the location description after Electrical discharges...

I would like to read a few more pages to understand the stakes.

The first page is a great opportunity to establish the world your character is in. I think you have to balance the act of getting too artsy fartsy on page vs just telling us what we are going to see. Where is this character at? Any description of him / his surroundings? My two cents...

Very nice to read and makes curious about the space AFTER the space. Definitely intersting description of the characters. Great intro! Wishing a magicaly flow regarding your script.

Take any advise from non-credited writers (myself included) with a huge grain of salt.

Honestly thank you all so much for the feedback! Really means a lot! :) it’s nice to have people read, even if it’s only one page, some of my work.

You're welcome, Ryan Avery.

This is an intriguing first page, that's for sure. However, that's just me; maybe you could leave some of the dialoge out and, instead, emphasize more on action.

Missing FADE IN

Missing page number.

RAIN should be describe in narrative, not a slugline.

NIGHT/DAY confusing; ambiguous.

"Pulls" used twice in back-to-back sentences.

Mix of passive and active voice.

"seems" doesn't belong in screenplay narrative. Write what things are or what they aren't. The reader shouldn't have to guess.

Too much narrative in first several action lines; most of which seems needless. Not sure why they are broken up into different lines. A lot white space for seemingly no reason.

Man In White Suit should be written as proper noun after intro (same goes for all charaters). Character names should be consistent.

Intro from SHADOWED ONE character intro is missing.

BLACK SUIT does not need to be allcaps.

Smirking, smiling, etc. should be parenthetical to save on space; be more concise. However, you state 3 different smiles on the first page. Actors tend to dislike telling them how to act; should only do it if it is important to the scene, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

Consider using double dash instead of commas if you intend on dialogue to have a slight pause.

Punctuation missing.

I don't know where this script is going after page one. I don't know what the Shadowed One is or why the guy is there. It's a lot of talk without anything being promised to me if I keep reading.

I think this page could be at least be reformatted to be half the length (mostly narrative not being broken up) and include some hook that will make the reader want to go on to page 2.

Hope this helps.

I agree with most Joshua says, except,:

(1)First page is never numbered.

(2) Use as less parenthetical as possible, but put them in the action description. Sure, we all put two or three word descriptions in parentheticals to keep the pace and save space, but officially it's the wrong thing to do.

(3) Use ellipsis to indicate a beat in dialog, then sparsely use "a pause" in parentheticals for more impact.

(4) When dialog is interrupted use one dash.

To emphasize part of a sentence, use a double desh. There are a few other format/style reasons to use a double dash , but this is, I guess, the most important one.

(5) Having several one line sentences after each other could indicate the writers wants to show that each line we see is a different shot, which could be a good thing, especially in a production script. Only problem is that-- except looking odd -- it messes with the flow, the pace of the script.