Screenwriting : Cole's World by Jose Guns Alves

I think it packs a punch, and it's to the point. Others may argue you have thirteen extra words to play with, but I don't think extra rambling would serve any benefit in this case.

Thank you Debbie. Is there anything you think could be done better? I'm completely open to criticism.

I like it also, Jose. You probably don't need to change a word, although you might add a word about whether the death of the niece is accidental or a murder because there's a little different feel to each of those scenarios. But really, I think you have it well nailed.

good point Lisa! "After the murder of his niece, an alcoholic thrill-seeker has psychotic delusions, coercing himself into vigilanteism."

Good one! "Murder" fine tunes it, giving more depth of feeling. Greater fuel to the pain of his psychosis, than just "death".

I think "thrill seeker" needs to be defined. Does it have to do with his occupaion, or is he famous for going on multiple adventures? And who is he targeting? I guess I would like to know who killed his daughter, and what kind of thrill seeking talent is he going to use to get revenge.

Thrillseeker who uses his high-risk recreational skills (such that they be) to pursue off-the-books justice/revenge. Sounds like "XxX" crossed with "Death Wish", Vin Diesel meets Charles Bronson.

Not quite that kind of thrill seeker Jean-Pierre, but the kind of guy that used to box, rock-climb, ski, and anything athletic for the thrill. Not jumping motorcyles off of cliffs or over cars and such. Also, his hallucinations are what fuel him to go vigilante. I'm following the rule not to put too much in the longline but just the cereal idea of the story, not the story itself. That is to tease the interest of someone into wanting to read it.

My beef with this logline is that the parts don't connect. Grief? Vigilante-ism? Thrill-seeking? All cool. Let's connect them in the sentence to create a coherent whole rather than jumping from one to the other. For example: "When Charles' niece is murdered he buries his rage in increasingly risky sports, until it occurs to him that "vigilante" might be the riskiest sport of all." Do you see how this connects all the dots and leads to a coherent picture of the film? A touch of irony also goes a long way in a logline because we know the story is going to contain reversals so we like to picture at least one of them. If you pitched me that logline, I'd ask: Why an uncle? Why not a father? The more you can up the stakes, the better. Hope that helps. I like the concept. If you keep your own logline I would drop the part about 'coercing oneself'. It sounds awkward unless he's specified to have multiple personalities or schizophrenia.

If you can add a "but" to the longline that will usually help you identify your central conflict. Ex: A thrill seeking psycho becomes a vigilante to avenge the death of his niece BUT is plagued by alcoholism.

Just my 2¢ worth, but overburdening the logline with too many protagonist issues could potentially disengage the logline reader. Look at the rather subliterate Lethal Weapon logline (IMDb): A veteran cop is partnered with a young suicidal cop. Both having one thing in common; hating working in pairs. Now they must learn to work with one another to stop a gang of drug smugglers. Ignoring the three stacked gerunds and the bad punctuation, the "suicidal" adds a whiff of intrigue (why is he suicidal?) to an otherwise ordinary buddy-cop flick. But the logline has it all: two contrasting protags, conflict, inner and outer goals. Nice. And there's Death Wish (1974): A New York City architect becomes a one-man vigilante squad after his wife is murdered by street punks in which he randomly goes out and kills would-be muggers on the mean streets after dark. (The sentence is really runon but you get the point)

Totally in agreement with Chandler. CONFLICT ( very important) is missing from logline.

Good points all. Jonny, I like what you've pointed out, though he is coercing himself because his visions are of his dead niece who visits him (not a ghost) he hallucinates. Also, the thrill seeker is very close to his niece who looks up to him like the coolest guy in the world. His brother, the girl's father, lives a mundane life that doesn't excite her like her uncle's. Though she loves her dad, she thinks her uncle is the coolest person in the world. I just know I shouldn't tell the entire story in the longline, it needs some mystery and curiosity for a potential reader. Something that will make them want to ask to see the screenplay. Try this one for size... "After the murder of his D.A. brother's kid, a thrill-seeker drinks away his grief, but psychotic hallucinations coerce him into suicidal undertakings as a vigilante, which he tries to hide."

Yup. Coming along. It could just be my personal taste but I think alcohol implies a morose tone (Leaving Las Vegas) while thrill-seeking implies action (Point Break) and I can't make the two work together in my head. Log lines need punch so I'd leave out the depressant. Alex's point is also strong and forces the same conclusion. I liked Chandler's directness. What about a slightly rearranged version of Chandler's?: "When his neice is murdered, a thrill-seeking favorite uncle loses all restraint along with his mind and combines extreme sports with vigilanteism." It has a little implied irony and kind of sounds like a dark version of Kick Ass. I couldn't get the BUT in there, but the vigilanteism ties back to the murder so I feel like the reversal is there anyway, and it it puts some cool scenes in my head. Are we hitting the tone you're going for? That could be part of the problem , if you're thinking 'comedy' and were writing 'thriller' log lines.

I like that! The tone is definitely a morose action thriller. I think he is a functioning alcoholic that goes on these violent excursions after he sobers up because that's when he hallucinates his dead niece.

Cool. You could play with that as well - that he hallucinates his dead niece and that's what leads him to vigilanteism. I tried but couldn't quite fit into one logline both that she was murdered and then that he later hallucinates her. It's a cool twist though - if we're rooting for him to recover, and he finally gets off booze, but that leads him to hallucinate, and what he hallucinates is his dead niece telling him to avenge her death. It'd be a solid addition to a plot overview for sure. It's a nice way of turning him vigilante whilst still having us identify with him.

After witnessing his only niece's murder, a combination of thrill-seeking and psychotic delusions makes a man a vigilant. That is my take.

"A burglar gets revenge on drug dealers for past addictions keeping it secret from his D.A. brother; however after his brother’s daughter dies he has psychotic hallucinations that push him into suicidal undertakings as a vigilante."

“A burglar gets revenge on drug dealers for past addictions keeping it secret from his D.A. brother, however after his brother’s daughter dies he has psychotic hallucinations that push him into suicidal undertakings as a vigilante” Not looking at the previous comments (because a person contemplating watching this movie will not have previous comments to refer to to clarify the meaning) I’m looking at this logline on face value only and I have the following issues with it: Why is this person a burglar and how does it play into the story? You need a protag that your viewer can relate to or sympathise with but I don’t think most people will be able to do that with this character. He appears to be an ex-addict who is blaming dealers (multiple?) for his past addictions (which some may view as simply a bad life choice on his behalf). What is he keeping secret from his D.A. brother? His past addictions or his new found life as a revenge seeker and why is the D.A. part relevant? If he is killing dealers then it doesn’t matter what his brother does for a living. Why does the death of his niece trigger such psychotic reactions in him? It seems a little strong to me. If he had lost his job, his home, his wife and then his daughter and had nothing else, I could understand the need for revenge if one person was responsible for all that but simply the fact that his brother’s daughter died, seems a bit odd that he’d go off the deep end when his brother seems to have kept his shit together. Why the suicidal undertakings? Is he seeking revenge or is he seeking to go down in a fire ball and planning to take as many dealers with him as he can? I think the above logline would better suit a movie than a series. It seems to wrap up the entire story in one go rather than simply lay the plans for an on-going series. How about something along the lines of: A cat-burglar, avenging his dying brother’s wish, tears apart the drug syndicate that enslaved and killed his niece.

Here's the story (a bit adapted by my writing partner and I). A guy (Cole) who was a parkour and extreme sports champion is extremely close with his niece. She admires him, he loves her unconditional love. He has an older brother, the responsible one, now a district attorney. Cole makes a living by robbing drug dealers. Not because he is necessarily morally righteous, because he can and he has a bone to pick with them. Suddenly, his niece is abducted, molested and murdered. He is not able to save her. The police are not able to capture the killer. He gets very depressed and on the verge of suicide. One night, feeling particularly low and ready to end it all, he has a vision, his niece. He doesn't realize his psychosis. He carries on with his "drug dealer robbing" night job and accidentally breaks into the wrong building loft apartment and discovers a human trafficking ring. Surprised, shocked and NOT having delusions, he just leaves to rob the correct apartment. After he does, he leaves....but Ahhhh! He has a vision again. His niece says "you can't leave them uncle!" He goes back and frees the women after beating up and knocking out the four bad guys. This is how he comes to become a vigilante, by making a choice after hallucinating his dead niece. Now...in subsequent episodes questions like "why his niece" or "why a D.A. brother" will be answered. When Cole was young, he was reckless and a risk junky. He became a drug addict. After the mother O.D. He lost custody of his baby daughter and his responsible older brother stepped in and took over. Hence he now robs drug dealers (however misguided) for providing him drugs that caused him to lose his family. Now being healthy, Cole has transferred risk taking into extreme sports and developed a close bond with his niece (daughter). Then she gets killed. He stumbles into becoming a vigilante but does so on his own accord out of guilt and needs to hide this from his brother as he wouldn't approve and also these are the very people the brother and police are trying to prosecute aspart of a large time syndicate with a head boss. I know it's a lot but only a little will be revealed during each episode until we reach a final showdown.

Nice. Sounds great. I would watch it.

Now the trick is to decide what should go into the logline and what should be revealed in the subsequent episodes.

Logline? .... Cole, an extreme-sports and parkour champion believes he can redeem himself by infiltrating and smashing a human-trafficking ring that is being operated by the same man responsible for the rape and murder of Cole's niece.

Thanks for the cover Peter. This helps immensely and as I focus the story using these notes, I will even be able to better nail down the logline. I truly appreciate all the work you put in to this.