Screenwriting : Logline Critique by Tony Cella

Hi Tony, Possibilities there, but it's too cluttered right now, the hero has no active goal and there are no stakes. It sounds like it wants to be a rollerball version of The Mighty Ducks but you haven't structured it so we get the real story yet. This might not exactly be your story, but try to structure the elements of your loglines this way and see how it feels: ex: A disillusioned WNBA wannabe desperate for money takes a job coaching an out of control bunch of rollerballing feminists and must learn to believe in herself before the whole team lands in jail.

I'd look at what the goal of the main character is. Why did she join the team? Something like "A broken WNBA hopeful joins a dysfunctional roller derby team in a hope of regaining the joy of victory". The physical and environment things, such as her knee and team attitudes are tools to tell the story, not really the story.

Replace the term "feminists".

Yes, remove "feminists." It is unnecessary and convolutes the logline/story. :) I wish you the best with your script, Tony!

Thanks for the feedback. Plenty of good points. Here's the revised version: After a major knee injury destroys her chances of playing in the WNBA, a jaded college athlete joins a win-less and dysfunctional roller derby club, which helps her realize why she enjoyed sports in the first place. Shenanigans ensue.

The first part is better, but "joining the team" is an 'action', not a concrete, compelling outter goal, yet. Plus, there is still no indication of what will happen if she fails to reach that goal (the stakes). See my earlier example for reference. Keep going, mate. You'll get there :-) Loglines are a S.O.B. for all of us.

You are so right, Philip. Just 2 days ago I was reading a post from ScriptPro which says that the "logline is a bait to catch a readers interest into the whole screenplay. So never ever TELL the story. SELL the story. " This gets more and more confusing. I rather try it on friends and go with their approval.

Hey Tony, good revision! Sending you an article that I think is helpful through DM.

Remove unnecessary detail, raise stakes, don't tell us if she wins ("helps her realize"). Example: Jaded and disillusioned after an injury crushed her dreams of playing in the WNBA, a talented athlete can get a last chance at victory if she can rebuild a dysfunctional roller derby team -- and her confidence.

I honestly feel there is way too much emphasis on cramming everything into a standard-issue one-sentence logline. I can't imagine anyone gets excited seeing these enormous, ungainly sentences people manufacture to fit in that kitchen sink along with all the rest. They tell you to remember to be "human and real" in your pitches. I think you should be human and real in your loglines. I think it's OK to try anything that works. Here's my decidedly unconventional approach to your logline. "She was aiming for the NBA, but then her knee gave out. What's left? Rollerderby! And the battles between her teammates might just be worse than the battles against the other teams." This almost sounds like a "tagline" instead of a "logline", but I feel that the excitement and punchiness of this approach will gain you more favor than a large, ponderous sentence with all the "bells and whistles." As a disclaimer, allow me to add that I remain an "aspiring screenwriter" so my opinions are just that. More experienced people know A LOT more than me.

Tony, it's too long. I agree with Chuck's rewrite. :-)

Good points. Thank you for the suggestions and support. Here's another version: After a major injury destroyed her WNBA aspirations, a jaded college athlete must overcome her newfound physical limitations and bitter attitude to lead a gritty roller derby team to victory in the league's playoffs.

Structure-wise, I think that's much better. Maybe think about the adjective you use to describe the roller derby team a bit more. That adjective should not only sum up who they are, but it should also UP the stakes for the hero by making it tougher for her to reach the ultimate goal. You had "win-less" at one stage, that's not bad, but it could be even tougher, depending on your actual story, e.g. lawless, mafia-controlled, children's, handicapped, or it could be a "roller derby team of ... cannibals/ zombies/ vampires." Whatever it is, I think you get what I'm aiming at. :-) What do others think about the stakes for the hero in this logline? I'm wondering if it's made clear and compelling enough for her.

Here is an article about writing loglines from a guy who sees a lot of them over on Inktip. http://www.inktip.com/sa_article_page.php?pg=81 I recommend reading his other piece on 'the hook' (link is in the article).

Thanks for the above, Philip. I'm still shaky with so many different advice from different venues telling us what should or shouldn't be included in a logline. AHHH!

I know, Jorge. That article is interesting, but it's logline structure is a bit different to what I and others on here have been suggesting. It's point about character vs plot loglines is a good one, but I would suggest that you look at it, and this thread, in a holistic sense. The dramatic elements are the same Create a character with a flaw who is faced with a big problem which their flaw makes them uniquely unsuited for solving then make us care about what will happen to that character if they don't overcome the problem. Loglines are just mini-stories. Grab the reader's attention, make them care at an emotional level and leave them wanting to know how it will all unfold.

Excellent! Thanks again, buddy. You're the greatest. This really helps.