Screenwriting : Character deepness. by Billy Dominick

That's so true Fiona. A perfect example in my own script would be when the ballerina mentions to her friend that her teacher told her to go home and find her passion. When her friend tells her to be careful, the audience may not be aware of why she would make such a comment but it is because of what a previous teacher did.

Hi Billy, I think the issue is that you have too much going on with Maria. It seems to be a mix of genres. On the one hand, she's an innocent school girl (no age given) and the other hand, she's a Kung Fu expert who devotes her time to helping under privileged kids. There are elements of this that are interesting, but as it currently reads, I have no idea who Maria really is, what her goal is and what danger she's in or what conflict stands in her way. Kind Regards, Eoin

I'm no expert at all, but I think keeping it short and simply showing what they strive to gain through the story helps to show there is room for the character to develop over time.

I think you've written a decent first-draft character description of that one. I think you need to get deeper, though - like, tell us the why's of what she does and who she really is on the inside. That seems to be lacking. Like, why is she such a perfectionist in all things? Is she major OCD? Is it because she has a deep inner drive to be the best she can? Is it because she's trying to always please others? Or her father? So the other parts of a character - the parts that make them three-dimensional - are the nuances, idiosyncracies and foibles of us all, and should address those shortcomings that we all have. Think a bit like a psychologist on that part. That character almost sounds like she's not flawed. Flaws are usually what prevent a character from achieving their goals and are an element of the tranformative processes that they go through. Flaws usually get them in trouble in the first place, or prevent them from getting out of trouble. Where's her flaws, other than she's a bit of a romantic who's been hurt in the past? That doesn't say much. And candidly....she's privileged....young...attractive...sexy....an advanced martial artist...a motorcyle racer....I kinda don't think a woman like that is logically going to have some deep emotional scars from past relationships, unless it's logical because of (deeper psychological description.) That kinda doesn't add up as is. Either she's a terrible chooser of men (unlikely the way you've described her)....looks for the same type of relationship every time and doesn't know it and fails (calling a therapist on that one, Dr. Billy)...looks for a man like her dad (maybe). So you need to do some deep thinking about her emotional state and concoct the right type of pie. Another important thing regarding the whole pie.....you have to concoct a character with some diametrically-opposed traits to make them deep and well-rounded. It's not just a perfect world, and we are all loaded with these parts of our brains that have bi-polar ends. Characters need both serious minor and major flaws. Think...."book smart....street smart....but romance stupid"...."kind...easy-going...and a serial killer"...."determined...critical....but impulsive" Character personalities should have a triangle....an A...B....C like I just illustrated. It's usually the "C" that leads to our troubles...and sometimes a "D", too. Heh-heh. Linda Seger's "Creating Unforgettable Characters" and Syd Field's "The Screenwriter's Problem Solver" really help with character development - you should probably get them if you don't already have them. Good luck, bro.

I agree with Patrica and Eoin. Your good but general synopsis, needs fine tuning, with sole emphasis on the complexity of Characters, Goals, Conflicts, eradicating any unnecessary rambling. I'm going out soon, but next week will go deeper into this point. Walker also has a good point, characters grow and arc over time. Seeds of thought can be planted in pitches, that hint of these changes being possible, at a later stage. Of course you have ALREADY done this to some degree Eg, Rich, Poor, Mafia Dad, Homely Dad, Virginal girl, Streetwise Biker, etc etc.......but it needs honing in on until you get 5 out of 5. I do love your idea Billy, I think it would be great to watch this original , with the off the wall biker and virginal day dreamer. Not to mention the two Dads.....endless possibilities for unexpected stings. Another thing I will message you on next week is Character Layering. Instead of looking for more things to add, dig deeper into what's already there. As Eoin pointed out, a lot is written ABOUT Maria, yet we don't know WHO she really is and WHAT'S the danger/obstacle/conflict. ALL THE BEST.....You are only two points away from a full marks pitch!

Hi Billy, If she's heading to the ball and daydreams of a soulmate, how does dancing ballet, running a kung fu gym and suddenly and for no apparent reason, start competing at motorcycle racing, tie in with that? It's hard to suspend disbelief when you have a very young person (17 or 18), be an expert at a lot (running a gym while still at school, dancing ballet AND taking up motorcycle racing) and also, her goal, isn't directly tied, to any of those things. You need to connect her abilities, or lack there of (conflict and obstacles), to her goal, getting her first kiss and date for the ball. Kind Regards, Eoin

Hi Eoin, There are 2 characters: Laura dreams of finding a soulmate while dancing ballet. Maria competes in motorcycle races to support her own Kung Fu gym.

Patricia, they are two against their fathers' discrimination regarding the other's social class. I was trying to get a response on if the new paragraph with them torn down to their core and their fathers described enough to give someone enough of a hint at who the characters could be and what could make them grow for a pitch. Below is the logline for the entire movie: When a mafia princess falls for the motorcycle racing daughter of poor immigrants, the lovebirds must battle their class discriminating fathers in order to waltz together at the debutante ball.

@Walker did I do enough to simplify it with my revision? As far as what they strive to gain: Laura strives for a soulmate but she keeps her emotions in check. Maria also has her emotions in check but only exists in the here and now. She just strives to keep her gym going but Laura is what she'll gain in the story.

You want a single sentence that sums up the essence of the character... and the rest is what the character does in the screenplay. When people talk about character depth, it;'s not about the description but what the character does and how the story brings the conflicts within the character to the surface. So here's the problem: LAURA is a nice girl... and the that's it. The conflict comes from outside the character (Mafia dad). External, rather than internal. What is Laura's flaw?

@William this is how I sum up the character in one sentence: While daydreaming about a fairytale kiss revealing her soulmate and escort to the debutante ball, LAURA dances ballet with technical expertise but no emotion. Her flaw is no emotion which blocks her goal of a fairytale kiss.

Great analysis, Fiona. I'll borrow it. Thanks, girl.

I had posted this question in a thread, but I'll ask it here since Patricia brought it up. Does anyone know (if any exist) where I can find EXAMPLES or help on WRITTEN PITCHES ? I'm working on one for a screenplay and it's...mind blowing. The first one, sounds like a treatment and the second one I just finished, sounds like a synopsis. Third, do tell my ending? 911, help! It's driving me crazy. Examples please, pretty please. Thank you ALL in advance.

@Jorge. you can email Joey for assistance on pitches and you always give away your ending

I did email Joey. He's very busy , I know. So, I figured why I wait, I could get some suggestions here. Thanks for responding, Billy.

@Jorge. As far as help on pitches, I would suggest the following points. (1) Make it a smooth read ie not bouncing around. (2) Clearly describe the goal and potential for your characters to grow. (3) Focus on story.

Thanks, Billy. I'll follow your advice.

Patricia, was that a trick question? I always focus the pitch on the action of the story but I start off with the characters' description. Laura dreams of a soulmate taking her to the ball while also sidestepping her governess pressuring her to get ready for the ball i.e. (find someone appropriate, select a dress) Maria has no desire at the beginning to be Laura's soulmate but they develop a friendship that deepens over the course of the pitch. What was the logline for the movie that you got coverage on?

Peter. Thanks for picking up on all that. I decided to remove the waltzing from the logline to make it more universal but still unique. "The two girls are the protagonists; their fathers, the antagonists. The goal of the protagonists: romance. The main obstacle to achieving that goal: schemes deployed by their bigoted fathers to prevent the romance." (This is basically a lesbian version of "Romeo and Juliette.")--so true When a mafia princess falls for the motorcycle racing daughter of poor immigrants, the lovebirds must fight their class discriminating fathers for a chance at a fairytale romance laced with N.O.S. how's that for a logline: the girls--protagonists, their fathers--the antagonists, fairytale romance laced with N.O.S.--the goal The fathers will have lots of schemes going on especially with Laura's father being an important figure in the mafia.

Final year ballet student LAURA , strives for perfection in all she does, and with a strong social conscience she regularly feeds the local homeless. Unknown to her, the precinct is under tight control by her Mafia father, who has traditionally already picked a suitable wealthy man for her. A straight laced young woman, Laura naively searches for romantic idealism, her goal to find the perfect partner to escort her to the ball. (Just a thought).

Just another thought for a take on Maria. Sexy, streetwise motorcycle racer MARIA enjoys life in the fast lane, using her winnings to fund a Kung Fu academy for underprivileged youngsters. A chance meeting with a ballerina causes the martial arts siren to fall head over heels, unaware of the battles ahead if she is to escort her lady to the ball. Living with her stay at home Dad who shuns wealth, it's only the beginning to the deadly opposition, lying in wait.

There is an awful lot of info in the above comments on Laura and Maria about what they DO for example LAURA ......Basketball, Fruit Delivery, Ballet, What her Dad wants, etc. MARIA Kung Fu, Motor racing, etc. I would concentrate more on their thoughts and feelings rather than their Dads, and what they themselves get up to during the day. Of course mention the Dads to plant a seed of possible conflict to follow, but don't waste too much of the written page. I only know about WHO Maria is. "Maria's heart remains locked away." "Sexy" I only know about WHO Laura is. "Reserved." "Holding out or true love." All the rest is about what they do. Or long strung out sentences on their Dads. I'm not sure what audience your aiming for, is it a teenage romance aimed at young readers, or an adult film? Is it a Rom Com or Serious? It would help more if we knew who we are aiming this at. Hope you nail it soon Billy, you've been putting a lot of work into this.

Hi below the first two main passages, you give a brief character synopsis for us here to read, you need now to make sure your pitch includes these points, but not all shoved together. Quote "Who LAURA is .....naive, generous, romantic holding out for true love, confused perfectionist=heart shelving & analytical mind to practice ballet. (Need heart for dance.)". All this information needs to be worked into your main first passage, (Laura) and woven separately into the writing so that your examiners obtain all of the information. As it stands if I was listening to your first paragraph, I would get story parts and things that she does, and how her parents think. I would not however get a FEEL of WHO Laura really is on the inside. The quote beginning "Who LAURA is...." You are telling us........Now tell your examiners!

I didn't read all the comments, so the thread may have gone in a direction I am not heading in. @Bill write what you need to visualise the character. I'll start with a statement then start writing questions. Especially questions involving actions the character takes and what was their motives. Sometimes I'll write a tone statement 'Jane as a yellow voice", I then think of Jane's voice as sharp, contracting and standing out. I list who they may be in another story, how could they be a hero if they are a villain now. Some people I cannot get beyond the surface. That always makes me wonder if I should be using s different character.

Craig How do you do this? "I list who they may be in another story, how could they be a hero if they are a villain now." I tried to start with a description of attire: Maria sexy in a fairy shirt tucked into painted on jeans. Naïve Laura in a uniform skirt and white blouse buttoned all the way up. Different people started seeing this as objectifying the characters basically making them mere costumes.

@Billy it goes like this. In my last script there was a guy called Don. He forced a teenage girl into the winter over a dispute. She managed to steal his navigation so they ended both trapped in the location in a fight to the death. Don is the villain in the piece. So how is he a hero in the rest of his life. It went like this. The world is very post apocalypse (world ending virus). He is part of a small community (this is mentioned in the script as well) and they are running out of resources. As winter comes they are facing death. Don volunteers to go and try and find resources in abandoned towns nearby. He knows that he may get infected, he knows he may encounter danger but he does it to save his community and his daughter. He has now done this for a few years and this has hardened his attitude to life in the face of all the death he has seen. When he encounters Sara they start off okay. Don is a little dismissive of her as she is trying to act tougher than she is. This leads to the conflict that forces them down a path of mutual destruction. We don't meet Don until he turns up in the Valley (page 60 of 105).

Peter--thanks for your advice, I changed it as goes Sweet Laura--delivering fruit for the homeless, waiting for a first kiss Dedicated Maria--running a gym for underprivileged children, honing her instincts by racing at a control tower.

@Craig--reminds a bit of my last one. A hero teams with her dad to search for a killer. Finally on page 97 of 107, we find out the daughter is the killer.