They say “show, don’t tell,” but hey—it’s only words on a page, right? The best we can do is tell what we want to show, isn’t it? And what about being succinct, brief, and white space and all that? How do you meet so many conditions that seem diametrically opposed?
By not “showing” the scene on the page at all. Instead, invoke a vision of the scene in the readers head. We do this by “telling” the reader the FEELING the scene invokes, instead of how the scene looks. When you walk into a place you’ve never been, you don’t look around and say to yourself, ”red carpet, white paint, TV set, wax fruit, cockroaches, funny smell.”
You say to yourself, “What a dump!”
INT. ROOM
Dumpy.
That single word jump-starts the reader’s imagination. Everybody’s seen a dumpy room—remember that time? Now there’s a picture in the reader’s head. The scene has leapt off the page and into his mind.
Or, if someone’s about to get hit with wax fruit and slip on a cockroach,
INT. ROOM
Dumpy with cockroaches and wax fruit on the table.
But as soon as you paint the walls and supply general details of the room, that spontaneous dumpy room association vanishes and the reader’s back to words about a room he’s never seen written on a page.
Been watching some old Maverick and Tales of Wells Fargo episodes (my husband only likes old westerns) and given time constraints of TV (TWF is only 27 min & Maverick some 50 min) they use a VOs on many episodes, but it's done artfully enough that we're just fine with them. Also I think Divergent used them (if I remember correctly) and I think for a sci-fi very different world that seems fine. The "showing" sort of goes along with the "telling," but without that telling it might be very confusing. And don't we humans throughout all times love stories/narrations.
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Nothing bores me faster than long descriptions of rooms or what people are wearing.
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If ya want to overwrite descriptions, write it into a book... not a script.
But Kay Luke, the scene headings sometimes describe the scene automatically. like;
"INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY"
With this scene heading, we are all used to living rooms, so surely we all know what would be found in a living room. So why should I go further to describe what everyone can imagine? If there is something that needs to be highlighted which associate with the scene, I would like to do that in the action. I'm I being wrong?
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Kay - a lot depends on writing style. My own style is very sparse, almost staccato like so I pay close attention to the words I chose. I avoid adverbs, include few adjectives and often omit conjunctions; my high school English teacher would flunk me.
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Thank you for sharing this Kay. This area of my screenwriting has a lot of my focus right now. Your simplistic breakdown just edged me a step closer to getting the hang of that aspect of writing.
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I am not a script writer, I am an author, and in a previous life a UK Police Officer. I undertook many roles in 30 years service including tactical firearms, drug squad, and CID retiring as D/Sgt. I just mention this as reading the above; I remember being trained in tactics for firearms, which is like the real scenario, but without the fear of being shot.
Kicking a door in not knowing if there is someone on the other side aiming a gun at the door ready to shoot you as you enter, sends the adrenaline souring. There is a fraction of a second to make a decision to shoot or not to shoot. Of course I was not alone in that respect, other officers throughout the world faced and continue to face the same situations; also soldiers in war zones experience that each day. But the come down from that adrenaline rush is so heavy, every single muscle has been put on such a high alert, with eyes screaming at you to look, the brain analyzing every chair every obstacle where someone could be hiding ready to pop up and shoot is taken in as the eyes dart everywhere; with the finger ready to squeeze the trigger, also listening to colleagues shouting 'clear.' Or 'stand still, armed police hands up.'
I can write in a sentence about that feeling such as.... The sweat was running into my eyes temporarily blurring my vision as the door was kicked-in, my heart beating so loud it blocked out the sounds in the room, my eyes like saucers scanned everything in a fraction of a second, then all of a sudden the whole room stood still as a black shape appeared from my left; is he holding a gun? Yes he is, no time to shout armed police, double tap bang bang, as my finger squeezed twice the trigger of my 9mm Glock; he fell to the floor already dead............When it was over I felt the come-down from the adrenaline rush set-in as I sat down temporarily exhausted................
But how to write all that in a few words of a script must be so difficult and an art.
Dave
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I get what you're saying Kay. Still I think it is 'Show don't Tell'. But in action movies that is real hard to pull off. If you need exposition - and in the fist 20 pages you needs a lot - use the 'Pope in the Pool' way to tell who is who, what is their relation and what's their agenda. Scene by scene you slowly fill in the gaps. Not all at ones (=in one scene) Like (The Gavel-pag 8.9.10):
INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS
Megan and Kathryn scan around at the usual activities, men and women running the treadmill, muscle heads lifting weights, yoga sessions straining limbs.
They take note of the police tape blocking off the showers.
The twins sit on an adjacent bench and inconspicuously look for clues, details, anything.
KATHRYN: What do you think?
MEGAN: Maybe we could sneak in later? Snoop around.
KATHRYN: I'd rather we do it now. If we see an opportunity.
(searching)
Why would someone try to frame us?
MEGAN: They think we're bad guys too. Jealous we can do what they can't.
KATHRYN: Possible. Maybe they want to help?
MEGAN: They picked a dumb ass way to show it.
KATHRYN: We'll come back to the drawing board later. What time is it?
Megan sees Howard taunted by a crew of JOCKS next to a punching bag. He has his gym gear on, scrawny, no muscle.
MEGAN: Time for an opportunity.
KATHRYN: You need back up?
MEGAN: I got this.
INT. GYMNASIUM - PUNCHING BAG - CONTINUOUS
JOCK #1: Come on superhero hit me!
His cronies chuckle. Howard swallows the lump in his throat, knees quivering.
JOCK #1 (CONT'D): Ain't got Jameson here to protect you now. You shouldn't even be in here.
HOWARD: Sorry. I'll just leave.
Howard moves around jock #1 and he is shoved into the punching bag. It swings back and smacks Howard.
The jocks jeer.
Jock #1: Damn! You serious? You're going to let that punching bag punk you?
MEGAN (O.S.): Let me show how it's done!
The jocks all turn and see Megan hustling over, they forget about heckling Howard.
They start sweet talking.
JOCK #1: What's up beautiful? You look like you workout. Squats?
Jock # 1 moves to grope her ass and Megan swiftly jabs him with her thumb in his ribs near his heart, four different places.
He gasps, his lungs are locked up by pressure points. His buddies fret, their masculinity shattered.
JOCK #2: (muttering): Dude! You okay!
Megan winks at Howard, she's in control, he backs away from the confrontation.
She takes a boxing stance in front of the bag, focused.
MEGAN: (sarcasm) He's not okay dudes.
She WORKS the bag. Thunderous strikes from a furious combination.
MEGAN (CONT'D): I just hit four pressure points that have stopped his lungs from breathing.
Bouncing pleasantly from foot to foot, charged.
MEGAN (CONT'D): Couple more minutes, he's going to die.
JOCK #3: What the hell!
.....................................................................
Established in less than two (complete) scenes:
* Genre: detective/thriller
* The protags are twin sisters Kathryn and Megan.
* Their character;
Kathryn: careful, insecure Megan: Careless, rude, bit childish
* Megan is tough but somewhere deep in side has a weak spot. Right now it's Howard?
* They are a team but can also fuction separately.
* Main goal, finding the the person who framed them.
" Why would someone try to frame us?" is on the nose, but the main question needs to be asked clearly.
* There is a crime scene.
* Probably the one killed in the showers is Jameson.
(* Missing is the first action line after the scene heading INT. GYMNASIUM - PUNCHING BAG - CONTINUOUS)
Everything is visual in screen writing Dave. You can't see if a person has an upset stomach or how a person is feeling you have to work a way around it by showing it visually ....its hard believe me!
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First page by a 22-year old unknown Screenwriter. Spec sold in 48 hrs.
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I found doing battle scenes the hardest; its not easy but I hope I achieved the main goal.
EXT. HILL 352 NOVEMBER 8TH 1988 - DAY-WINTER SCENE...Colonel Yuri Milosevic walks between the
trees towards Captain Grabinsky.
YURI
Move the men up the hill Comrade
Captain--We attack in 5 minutes!
CAPTAIN GRABINSKY
Yes sir Colonel.
The 44th will move to the tree line
and prepare for another attack;
MOVE!
44th Prepare to attack within the tree line. Captain
Grabinsky looks to his right/left.
CAPTAIN GRABINSKY (CONT’D)
(SHOUTS OUT LOUD)
44TH CHARGE!
44TH ascends hill as grenades and tracer rounds fly thick in
both directions. Colonel Milosevic observes from the tree
line. The fire fight is intense as Colonel Milosevic realizes
it is another failed attack frustrated he becomes angry.
YURI
(SCREAMS OUT LOUD)
44TH WITHDRAW!
The survivors quickly retreat back down the snow covered hill
cursing the defenders.
EXT. COMMAND TRENCH SUMMIT HILL 352 - DAY
Sergeant Peter Hawthorn (22) British Army looks down the hill
at the dead lying in the open ground the tree line smolders
where grenades had set the trees on fire, Peter weighs up his
options.
2.
(POV) Peter pulls his left sleeve up to reveal his watch.
07:34 am He looks over his shoulder at Private McNeil on the
far side of the trench. Peter knows the position is hopeless.
PETER
We fought a good fight hey Terry?
Private McNeil eyes red from tiredness looks up and nods.
Peter looks back down the hill.
PETER (CONT’D)
That’s it then mate last stand.
Peter picks up his flare pistol breaking it open. He takes a
red flare inserting it in to the chamber then closes it shut,
Cocking the pistol he raises his arm into and squeezes the
trigger. The flare fires high into the air with a pop then
descends on a parachute slowly with a gray smoke trail.
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It depends on style, voice, and specific contextual story needs, and the creative goals of a script and/or a scene, and the ability to shape and guide the imagination of your reader. In general, I prefer to think of description the same as John August advises to help you find the "best" or the "right" words or phrases for character intros: "Look for details that have an iceberg quality: only a little bit sticks above the surface, but it represents a huge mass of character information the reader can fill in." In other words, using words and phrases that are loaded with meaning can do much of the heavy lifting in description for you, which I think is what Kay is also getting at using the analogy of "feeling" to convey a similar point. Hey, my two cents, whichever way works best for you and how you choose to consider to craft terse description to evoke meaning and the imagination of your reader, the better. It's all good!
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I put some mise en scène things on my 1st page of a screenplay that say things about the protag (without telling), but an analyst complained about them as unnecessary detail. So while Chekhov's dictum may be true -- 'If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired" -- it is not necessary to have that gun in the 1st act to have one in the 2nd that gets fired.
So I took out that description, but I'm dithering about whether to put it back. Altho at 111 pp, it would help me to reduce down below 110 pp. Anyway, if it were ever to get optioned and produced (remote possibility), I could suggest putting those things back in....
On the other hand, see the opening pages of Bull Durham at https://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Bull-Durham.html
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Because I am a retired English teacher, I always write action in complete sentences, but make those sentences as concise as possible. I would probably write Kay Luke's action like this:
"Cockroaches and waxy fruit adorn the table standing alone in the middle of the room."
Hey, Dan, i'm trying to clo=ick on that script sample you posted, but nothing is happening. i would love to see it.
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Cherie Grant The script is Lethal Weapon, written almost 40-years ago. The script that shattered every BS rule about screenwriting.
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"Dumpy with cockroaches and wax fruit on the table." This connotes both these objects are on the table. Yet the preface says someone will slip on the cockroaches. The sentence needs the Oxford Comma to match the idea unless the character will be jumping on the table.
Dumpy with cockroaches, and wax fruit on the table.
A Dump. Cockroaches skitter. Wax fruit on a table.
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Good point, Tony. So far we have cockroaches and waxy fruit on a table when the preface certainly does imply the bugs are scurrying on the floor. I prefer grammar too, but breaking up sentence clauses can both clarify and add an immediate sense to the action and the read. You gotta strike that balance between concise grammar and avoiding “cave man” speak. Lol! Anyway, lowercase the “d” on “dump” and it reads quickly and concisely. What I also like about the use of short sentences here is that it conveys the sense that the viewer is standing in the doorway, scanning the room, making mental note of icky things in this dumpy place. ;)
I think the “show don’t tell” is a saying aimed at emotions than the physical.
“Sue is sad” compared to “Sue is stoney faced as a tears well in her eyes”.
Show us through action what is going on in a person’s mind.
Unless you are writing a musical, then we should all sing about what you are thinking.
As far as describing emotions, in most instances I'd rather just write "sad" than direct an actor on how to use their face or posture.
Tom Batha how sad is sad? You have to give some indiction of what a person is seeing. You are the director until that job is given to someone else.
You don’t have to go full Tarantino and say a 40mm lens tight on her eyes. But if a character has an look of complete horror you can say that.
"How sad is sad"? It should be pretty clear from a reading of the script. In other words, it should be clear that a certain character is "very sad" or "sad" or "tepid" or whatever degree of "sad" you want based on the context leading up to the scene where the character exhibits their "sadness".
Director: "Hey Denzel, you've read the script so you know this is the scene where your character is going to show he's very 'sad'. So I need you to get stoney-faced and have your eyes well up with tears and -- "
Denzel: "Are you seriously telling me how to act?"
Director: "Um, um..."
And Denzel would have the same reaction if the writer gave him similar directions in the script.
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Tom Batha there are two things you are missing. Interpretation and acting. Actors are not robots. They read the script and see the writer’s interpretation of the story.
If they like it. They think what they can bring to the script. The idea of “bringing to” does not mean there has to be nothing to begin with.
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I understand what you're saying, but I'd rather just a few words than several convey the emotion. In fact, you said: "But if a character has a look of complete horror you can say that." Something about the character having a "horrified look" would do just fine. But going beyond that to describe the eyes widening, the face pulling taught, etc., is too much. It's the narrative from a novel.
For instance: David Ayer is one of the very best screenwriters out there. His script "Training Day" is a classic.
Remember the scene where Denzel's character "Alonzo" left Ethan Hawke's character "Jake" in the hands of the Mexican gangbangers? They were going to shotgun him in the bathtub but discovered something at the last second and let Jake go.
Now Jake goes after Alonzo. He enters Alonzo's girlfriend's apartment and surprises Alonzo. There is a quick scene where Denzel's facial expressions register everything under the sun. It's unbelievably good. Shock, panic, fear, horror, and you can even see the wheels turning as Alonzo is trying to come up with something, anything.
Here is how David Ayer wrote that scene of Alonzo's surprise: "Alonzo spins, reacting as he recognizes the ghost before him."
Boom. That's it. David Ayer doesn't go into facial or eye descriptions. He doesn't care about the minutiae. Just a simple description and he leaves it for the actor to do the rest.
Yep. How I would write it as well.
“Disinterested, not her first rodeo”. That was out of Amy, one of mine.
I don’t discount anything.