Screenwriting : Trying to make my script into a movie by Hunter Murphy

Pass.

Hi Hunter

We are fellow writers we don’t produce as a rule. You could try Script Revolution. It is a good site for selling work.

Everyone here has written multiple scripts and I think they will tell you the same thing I am about to tell you. No one is going to steal your movie. So don’t be scared to send it to people.

A movie takes millions to make. The few thousand you get is nothing and not worth the risk.

Congratulations on your script. Now write another. And another. And another. That's what writers do.

Hey Hunter. This sounds like a really cool premise. IMHO it does seem just a touch heavy on detail for a log line. Maybe cutting it off after 'dark and violent history' would sound punchier? Or maybe 'dark and violent history as an object of demon worship'? Still has a touch of mystery. Also, what about 'young man' instead of 18yo boy? Whatever it takes to get that 'short, sharp and tp the point' feel. :-)

Welcome! Define "Materlalistic" as far as your project.

Craig, thank you, I will definitely check out Script Revolution. Also thank you for the advice.

Your logline lacks stakes. What does the protagonist stand to gain/lose personally? It can’t be a generic good guy fighting generic evil.

William, thank you for the congrats, I am in the process on writing more.

Matt, it's funny you should suggest that, I actually ended it after "dark and violent history," but I was told the opposite so I extended it. I think log lines are very subjective to the reader, and what truly matters is what they represent. Also, I am in the process of rewriting the script to be less detail heavy and more to the point based off of several reviews I have received. Thank you for the feedback!

Tasha, thank you! And Materialistic would be anything tangible, i.e. money, not fame.

Stephen, thank you for the feedback. The protagonist stands to lose his morality and his grandfather's life. The script is meant to hint at morals and innocence and how they play a crucial part in the hard choices we make in dangerous situations.

Maybe use "grants wishes." Materialistic" is like Glittering Generality (Using Big Words to sound smart). Or "grants desires." People not familiar with the term would have to look it up. Just a thought!

Those stakes matter, but they matter to everyone. What’s something he could lose that only he would appreciate deeply?

Tasha, thanks for your feedback, but I wanted to really express that it doesn't grant just any wish, only things that can be held, not anything like happiness or love.

Like, would the box allow him to revive his grandfather if he took his grandfather’s place among the dead?

Hi Hunter,

I think that's a really cool concept, and is a nice spin on the Wish Granting category of film and storytelling. From Aladdin to Wish Upon....there are probably at least a couple hundred films that utilize that premise.

But your setup (boy/grandfather...a magical box....a dark history...a cult...unleashing a demon) certainly are the main pieces that could result in a very entertaining film. It is a bit clunky in its current logline wording, though - at least to me. I wouldn't take a stab at it unless I knew if Moloch was really raised, but I'm thinking something like this

A teenager who discovers a magical box that grants wishes must fight off a cult group that has been searching for the box, and that intends to raise the evil demon Maloch through the unique powers of the box..

That's a bit clunky (and long), too, but it conveys who is fighting who, and what the real battle is - or at least what I think is the real battle. I could see a story like that garnering interest from a producer who aims to make films like that, and for that type of audience.

And don't forget Moloch has been portrayed in plenty of art - from books to films. An accurate portrayal of him would be expected, at least by me.

Like Craig said...you need to put your script out there on a script-listing website. You probably should pitch it to producers seeking that type of film. Your real battle has yet to begin.

But before I would do either of those, I'd make sure it's really market-ready. I hope your's is, and I hope you've had a reputable professional critique it.

Best fortunes in your creative endeavors, Hunter!

Stephen, no the box wouldn't let him revive his grandfather, but that is an interesting point. Andrew and his grandfather live a very small house, and they are poor. What matters most to Andrew is his grandfather, which is why the first thing he writes down for the box is money and medicine. The medicine will keep his grandfather alive, and the money will make him comfortable in his last days. It also could be spent to get him admitted into a hospital, which would help a lot. Unfortunately, he dies before he knows any of this.

Bill, thank you for your words, I am in the process of rewording both the log line and the script. I have also already begun pitching the script to producers, but unfortunately with many they won't even listen, since it is unsolicited and I have no connections.

Edit: Updated log line

Hi Hunter,

You're welcome! And it really is a cool new spin on things. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever received is this: "tell me a story I've never heard before." I've seen, read, and heard lots of them, and I've never heard that one before.

Best fortunes in your creative endeavors, Hunter!

You used the improper form of "its" in your logline. "It's" is not the possesive form of "its". "It's" only means: it is.

Recommend using more poetic descriptor than "poor".