Screenwriting : Interesting Logline? by Bryce Daniel Bade

I don't get a sense of what the story is. A story about a man who is unable to leave the wife he cannot forgive doesn't seem interesting to me.

Read SAVE THE CAT to learn about effective log lines.

Hey Bryce - a logline basically needs to contain a central character or 'hero' with a clear goal, a main obstacle to that goal, the stakes if the goal is not met and a time limit on that goal, just to add to the tension. A good place to check out examples - and get feedback on yours - is: http://logline.it/ Loglines are hard. All the best! :-)

I would hope to get. Good feed backs from this site , as an actor.

I can't think of even one movie with that premise. Maybe he's on to something if that many similar movies have been made.

I agree with Amanda. If the hero has to overcome his wife's actions then what's the outcome if he can't? "and is unable to forgive or leave her" because of... or due to... Good luck! Write the script, even if you can't get a concrete log line. I never have one until I finish. :)

Sounds like something on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Are you hinting that he should go pitch to them?

I like the concept. Sounds like a good dark drama.

It's a very tired theme. What your log line needs, and what your script will need, is a new angle or idea that will make this fresh.

It's a decent start. But all the conflict is internal, which makes for real tough cinema. Think about something like "A loving and naive husband attempts to forgive his wife's adulterous actions; but when an old flame shows up on his doorstep he must face his fears between taking a chance on an unknown happiness or playing it safe with the pain he knows". Just an example of course, but now we have conflict. He's in pain and another woman has entered the picture to complicate things. That logline needs to be revised as well, but hopefully you get the idea. Keep the primary point that attracted you to the story, but find something to up the stakes and make the conflict external.

It does sound very common and derivative, a bit too vague. But it also sounds like it's all the first act, which is a major mistake many writers make with loglines. So maybe if the logline was , "When a loving yet naïve husband is unable to forgive his wife's adultery or leave the marriage, HE.....(whatever actually happens in the story). The basic core template for a logline (a topic I teach all over the country) is When THIS happens, THIS person must VERB this before (or unless) THIS occurs. Of course you have to add detail and make it your own and bring out your hook and genre, but it's a great basic template to start with.

But don't be too explicit about the resolution, or you'll satisfy the reader's curiosity -- rather than keep him/her hooked.

Much too much like reality! hehehehehe.

This could go drama, thriller or comedy (black or otherwise). As to those who say this has already been done, well that could be said about almost any story being written. It needs a twist and/or good character development to be above the rest. Write it. Just as likely to sell this as any other idea you come up with. Write. Write. Write.

I agree with John. Why is he unable to leave? Is it emotional, outside forces like finances, children, afraid of revenge? Maybe try and work in one or two words that specify.

I wonder if Bryce has read any of these comments....

I have read all the comments and I thank everyone for the feedback. I know the logline needs work...it's not my forte. The story is more of coming of age story where the protagonist (the husband) doesn't realize or understand he can survive without being in a toxic relationship. He cannot make himself come to grips with the truth that she is cheating, then he has trouble deciding whether or not to confront her and finally he must make the choice whether to stay or go all the while he does love her.

Beware of having a pathetic main character that the audience ends up just thinking is an idiot. OR completely embrace that. An audience will only have sympathy for so long.

I think the logline should explore more what happens to him after finding out about the wife's adultery. If he is unable to forgive or leave her, what does he do, i.e. what happens during the rest of the script?

I think this is DOA as a movie unless his reaction and response to the infidelity is totally unique. It has to be shocking, or twisted, or incredibly funny, or else it will run into boring "been there done that" territory.

I agree with Lyse. So far he is just moping. I think that as you go farther into the story you will find that you logline will have more meat. Continue the story and then reevaluate.

Add a Logline every few pages, then put them all together when you complete the first draft, then find your real Logline. Tom

"adulterous actions" sounds a bit cumbersome...maybe it would have more punch if you explore other words that say "cheating", "affair", "adultery", "double-dealing"...also "leave or forgive her" rolls off easier than the other way around. just my 2 cents' worth.

I don't know Norm. There is some good alliteration in "adulterous actions", but I agree with your other statements.

What about..."A loving, yet naive husband discovers his wife's adulterous actions. Unable to forgive he can't leave her either." I think by splitting the sentence in two parts, you make the intro quicker and sharper. Also this technique adds more punch to the second part of your proposition... It fills it with potentially disturbing expectations or richer drama and personal areas to explore.

I really like this one, it makes it seem like their is something stronger holding him to her than just feelings...I just need to figure out what that is.

Exactly… The second sentence kind of 'gives you permission' or creative licence to explore the characters fears, desires and anything in between. How do they react to this situations? How their friends and peers relate to them in turn? Personally I think we can all relate to everyone's emotions at some level and that's when we can learn about ourselves as well. In my view, your plot is full of potential. What matters next is the situations you develop. So for instance the husband 'is loving'… does he come from a loving family? Loving mum, dad, grandparents?… are they part of the plot as well? How do they relate to the wife? Are they naive as well?… perhaps too naive? Perhaps even religious? Crash of cultures? That could be quite funny. Then you say he 'can't forgive her'… why? Is this a plot about forgiveness? What's the pain inside of him that doesn't allow him to be free from 'unforgiveness'. Then he 'can't leave her'… Is he afraid? Is she too dominant? Perhaps she is a dominatrix? ;-))) Does he depend on her?… maybe on her money? You see the routes could be endless… so rich. Also you can make it all so much more engaging by making every turn totally unrelated to the expected result of any situation. It's almost like creating a hook for the audience, to make sure they want answers at the end of every page. They want to know. We all want to know… If we can relate to the characters and their inner souls, we all want to know what's next for us as well, what can we learn from your characters and improve ourselves… or take the pee. That's why I would advise for such drama to be lighthearted and humorous, more comedy than drama, more watchable and…. shareable. You have plenty of options and a simple storyline than so many could relate to. In my book that means bums on seats.

I think its a good base, but its a bit too simple. It needs to hook me and make me want to read more. That sounds like a normal everyday conflicted man's personal troubles. I know its probably not what happens but something like "A naive but loving husband is shattered when finds out his wife is cheating, pushing him closer to a drastic decision that will define who he is forever." Just my two thoughts, but best of luck!

You've got the internal conflict which a lot of the time isn't there. I think you need separate, external conflict that informs and influences the story and his decisions

I agree that it needs something more. "Unable to forgive or leave her" suggests a static plot line. There must be something the husband does, or attempts to do, in order to resolve the conflict.

Maybe replace the ending with something like: "and is forced to..." (fill in the plot). Not those words exactly, but something with a "punch".

When a naive husband discovers his wife's affairs, he,,,,,

Maybe he can't leave her, but he can make her and the guy/woman she's cheating with pay. Why should he be the only one suffering? Maybe he hopes as he gets rid of the competition, she will turn back to him for love if he's still there. Of course, he couldn't let her know he knows or that he's the one getting rid of the other lover. Got to make it complicated.

Very nice! Maybe you could hint at why he can't forgive or leave her, such as he's religious or a pastor or whatever the reason. "A loving, yet naive pastor discovers…" Good luck!