Which logline do you think is better and makes you want to read the script more?
1) A meek father on the outs with his family, takes them on a desert camping trip to reconnect. But when they witness a professional hit, the father must save his family as the skilled hitmen hunt them throughout the merciless desert.
2) While on a tense desert family trip to repair broken bonds, a mild-mannered father and his estranged family witness a brutal murder by a professional killer and must survive a relentless pursuit across a hostile wilderness, forcing them to confront their worst fears—and each other—to stay alive.
Thanks for your help!
4 people like this
The second one feels more powerful & more concise. However I prefer “meek” father from first example rather than “mild mannered” father in second. Meek implies he’s going to Arc to hero. Zero to hero factor. He could be strong & mild mannered to arc would not be as great.
2 people like this
Meant, So arc would not be as great. To arc typo error.
2 people like this
Logline 2, Michael David. I'd watch this!
2 people like this
Definitely two, and I second what Debbie said. Great premise, by the way.
2 people like this
Number 2!
3 people like this
2 seems more professional...
5 people like this
2 - but I would shorten it. "While on a desert family trip to repair broken bonds, an unassuming father and his estranged family witness a brutal murder by a professional killer and must survive a relentless pursuit across an arid wilderness to stay alive."
4 people like this
The first isn't be bad either if you avoid repetition.
A meek father takes his family on a camping trip to reconnect, when they witness a professional hit and he must save his beloved throughout the merciless desert.
3 people like this
Second is better.
5 people like this
The second is better and I would agree on shortening it... maybe tweaking it a smidge.
My take:
"While on a trip to repair broken bonds, a mild-mannered father and his estranged family witness a murder by a professional killer and are pursued across a hostile wilderness."4 people like this
Two, and it needs a tune up ... mild mannered and unassuming father makes him sound like a dad who has hidden skills that will be revealed (aka: Taken or Nobody). How's this, " ... after professional killer, a father with no fighting skills must protect his family as they are ..." The more powerful the villain / opponent the better the story. This will leave the reader/audience wondering "how the hell is this going to unfold ..." Great idea, btw!! Is the script already written or about to be forced into existence?
2 people like this
The second is better but shorten it a bit.
2 people like this
the second, definitely. I would put a full stop after “killer” and start the next sentence with “They must survive…” it quickens the pacing a bit and adds a sense of urgency.
2 people like this
Because the first one is shorter it feels more to the point, which has its advantages, but I like the second one better.
3 people like this
I like the second one better as well. The first one is good, but I think the second one gives more an idea of how the set up is going to be fulfilled.
5 people like this
Thanks so much everyone for the immensely helpful feedback! The script is written (first draft) and your input is extremely appreciated!
1 person likes this
You're welcome, Michael David.
3 people like this
Thank you for sharing these loglines — they’re really engaging and capture the tension well. However, I do have a couple of thoughts that might help strengthen the concept.
Firstly, when we hear “desert,” many people immediately imagine endless sand dunes and open space with nowhere to hide, which can make the chase seem less believable. To add more depth and realism, consider setting the story in a desert environment that includes rocky formations, canyons, sparse vegetation, or even abandoned buildings. This would create more dynamic settings for pursuit and survival scenes.
Secondly, the idea of a meek father outsmarting or defeating a professional hitman can feel a bit implausible unless there’s a strong explanation or character development behind it. Maybe the father has some hidden skills or past experience that we don’t see at first — perhaps in martial arts or law enforcement — or maybe he uses clever tactics, teamwork with his family, or sheer determination driven by protecting his loved ones. Showing this growth or these hidden strengths can make the story much more believabl
e and emotionally satisfying.
5 people like this
I like the one GJ suggested.
1 person likes this
No. 2 is at least 16 words too long. Too many clauses in a single runon sentence. Cut, cut, cut...
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I also like number two because it gives me more to go on. I get a clearer picture of what the protagonist is up against (intrinsically and extrinsically). I also get an idea of what thrust him on his journey. I have been told the bare bones of a solid logline give us a character, with a goal, up against opposition. Giving a tidbit more detail on the main character helps to better visualize the stakes (which I believe is more effectively done in the second option). For example, the first you just list hitmen as his opposition. In the second I see him witness a murder for me that instantly ups the impact I get a more visceral image in my mind. However, as some others have mentioned, if you could shorten it just a bit, I think that would be the more powerful choice.
3 people like this
I love number 1, it definitely sparks my curiosity!!
3 people like this
I like the 2nd one. It ramps up the tension fast.
1 person likes this
Somany votes for the 2nd one.. but my heart says..why not first one wid a small change..
"A meek father with a hidden past (Psy disorder) takes his estranged family on a desert camping trip to reconnect.... But when they witness a professional hit.. he’s forced to reveal the dangerous side of himself... he’s kept buried for years to protect the family n for a peaceful life ...n the familyy never truly knew himm...