Filmmaking / Directing : Mentors and Hard Conversations by Karen "Kay" Ross

Karen "Kay" Ross, thank you for stirring up this conversation! Through a series of crazy events, I became friends with David Heyman, producer of such films as the Harry Potter Series, Gravity, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and many more. That's a story to tell over drinks sometime.

I've sent him projects over the years and he's always taken the time to watch or give feedback, but something that was important early on was to not attach any ego to anything I made. Whatever he was going to tell me, positive or negative, THAT was worth listening to.

But one of the most important conversations we ever had actually had to do with relationships and life-partners... At the time I was in my head about what it's like to have a relationship in this industry. Is it possible to maintain a strong career path without completely discounting the other person, or making their goals feel less than mine. I asked David about this and his answer caught me off guard:

"Yes it's true, we are in a business that is demanding and at times can feel like it fulfills every part of us. It will never be a normal 9-5 job, and often compromises will have to be made. But when it comes to my wife, I try my damndest to keep my commitments, I try to keep us as a priority, because we are making movies. We aren't brain surgeons."

That really stuck with me. It's true: I tend to treat every project I'm on like it's the single most important part of my life, but at the end of the day, life is so much bigger than the art we create.

Ruth Gordon (from a book) gave me the golden rule: NEVER GIVE UP!

I don't think that I ever had a 'mentor' but I learned a whole lot just by watching/istening to Hitch and a few others.

John Boorman "Cut out The Dross". Tim Fywell "Not for the first time Debbie have you overridden a conversation." Most of my raw truths were from Senior Director's because that is my main burning passion.

Everyone has the talent to make a chair and write a story. It takes a lot of work, practice and dedication to make a beautiful chair and a good story. Therefore, writing is a craft exactly the same as making chairs.

My mentor taught me that if I want to do any kind of art, I have to know the history of civilization and the history of art very well.

I listened to him and it helped me a lot.

I can't say I have any mentors. But I have reached out to people I admire and they have given me positive feedback and encouragement - which goes a long way. I have however done a ton of pitch session here and gotten script feedback and I can truly say that my work is much stronger because of it :)

My mentors in the film industry are nil. However, I do have mentors in music, a trumpet instructor, and in law, a trial lawyer. From very different disciplines, they ended up teaching me the same things. Be an individual, have your own voice, tell it like it is, don't emulate others but if you do, emulate because they are right, not because they are famous or accomplished; don't let others dictate what the truth is, when you know otherwise, recognize greatness in others, do not associate yourself with frauds and opportunists. Principles which I have applied in art, business, law and other aspects of life.

No one will ever LET you do anything. You have to build allies to work with, learn from, and help.

I never had the good fortune to have a mentor. But I'm always seeking collaboration with people I think are creative and insightful but not necessarily writers. I do pay credit though to the book Save the Cat and its author Blake Snyder. However, I've never been in contact with him. Does that count? For what it's worth.

My mentor is Leon, a gifted DP, director and actor. He and I have had so many convos about how the industry works - it's been an eye-opening education. He's also believed in me from the start as a screenwriter, a storyteller. His perspectives (vis-a-vis in front of and behind the camera) have helped me become a much better writer.

The hardest convo with him has been:

He's friends with a couple of legit big-wigs in the industry (guys who could instantly fund/produce any/all of my projects), yet Leon told me flat out he's not going to take my stuff to them until they're good enough. Which they aren't.

Everytime I send him a script, he reads it and gives me notes. I trust him enough to rewrite, following his notes precisely, and each time, the story gets better.

Still not good enough (really tough to hear), but getting better each time (supremely encouraging personally).

Value beyond measuring.

@Emily Hope you find some mentors here.

I like when they tell me the truth. In this business, truth can help you grow and improve your kraft.

A few years ago I had the opportunity to speak with a woman who gave me the best piece of advice (though I'm still struggling to use it without thinking about it). "You HAVE to stop apologizing so much, especially for things that aren't your fault or are beyond your control."

When I watched A Simple Favour and Blake Lively's character echoed the sentiment, it made me smile.

Keep moving forward.

Mentors? hahaha. I haven't found anyone willing to be a paid member of an advisory board. Just look at this sight. Almost all of the useful information or networking is behind a paywall of some kind. Anyone who's lucky enough to find a mentor should make sure to never wear out their welcome. Cause that's one cool person.

M L. I agree with half your statement (the first half is pretty defeatest).

I don't know about filming industry, it's all kinda shady here, no offense, but in investment banking where 'greed is good' you'll find more support from those on top of the ladder, cause they know you're fueling their success. But I had a professor, that guy used to be an executive at a huge corporation, running plantations of Tea for Unilever, making strategic decisions for Danone Group, etc. I asked him one simple thing - why are you teaching, for free. And he said - there should be somebody to give so others could receive and it's a chain that should remain intact from generation to generation, otherwise the whole thing goes to drain and nobody's safe.

I have volunteered as a mentor in all of my areas of expertise. You may ask how. I will tell you. I wrote a book entitled Funding for Internship and Scholarship Programs (basically almost everyway to make money). Illustration-while I'm doing research or working on a project Pro Bono, I'm still making money. Example if I'm doing research, I use Bing.com and Pch.com. Both allow me to earn for searching and researching. My ebook allows me to incorporate philantrophy and volunteering in my daily routines.

Doug Nelson If I was a defeatist, I wouldn't attempt development funding at all. Acknowledging obstacles isn't the same as advocating that everyone surrender or give up. Just know what you're up against. Obviously it changes once you get funding. Then everyone picks up the phone. But before that? Uhmmm. Yeah. crickets

In my case finding folks that are actually familiar with term sheets, recoupment schedules, forecasts etc. tend to be either buried in work and can't offer help or they are retired and not familiar with the current models. Relevant, useful, data is pretty difficult to get a hold of. Maybe it's different with acting or writing mentors. I can say with business and legal, it's rough slogging.

I have been fortunate enough to find some incredible mentors who at one time were my bosses, colleagues, or connections who were maybe 10 years ahead of me in the business. The first books I read about the industry were recommended to me by my mentor. Many of the jobs I got were as a result of a mentor making a call on my behalf.

I have found - and I know many others in the film industry have as well - that many people in positions of power are excited and willing to give back to the next generation coming up behind them.

Roth Rind SOLD! I'll buy the drinks and you can tell the story! LOL! Also, that is a fantastic lesson - and it may well be the prevailing reason I couldn't "afford" to teach; it was literally costing me my life.

Shadow Dragu-Mihai, Esq., Ipg Totally, I've been able to apply lessons from other disciplines to my process as a filmmaker. 100%

Landis Stokes Agreed - sometimes people WANT you to do well, but I've learned something similar: your job is to make other people's job easier not the other way around. If you do your job well and make other people's job easier, they will want to repay you, and that can come in the form of recommendations, opportunities, or just "hard conversations".

John Ellis That's awesome! And I think you tapped into something that's worth explaining - no one officially is dubbed a "mentor", but rather it's someone you work with that you've conceded their superior placement and/or experience to, and in appreciation for their involvement in your life, you seek their guidance with gratitude and humility. Jason Mirch is a mentor of mine, but it's not like we had a knighting ceremony to declare it. He's just a great guy who I've been able to get feedback and insight from, and I know that if I have something, I can run it past him to "check it before I wreck it". There are all sorts of mentors, and the long-leash type are just as beneficial as the weekly-check-in type. Btw, THANK YOU, JASON! You're an awesome human being and I love that I get to work with you now!

Tasha Lewis Me too! I am notoriously gullible, so I require forthright communication from my mentors. LOVE hearing hard truths. Also, I love this idea for your ebook as a kind of "mutually beneficial offering" - this is how I see one-on-one mentorships, too! This may also be the best reason for me to finally publish my book from my time as a massage therapist.

Dawn Prato That's great advice! I heard something similar early on, but it was more along the lines of "If you have to say 'sorry' because you feel for their situation, then do so, but don't take on the blame or guilt that comes with their situation because assuming blame doesn't help either of you move past it".

Jay Han-San Oh, DUDE! I feel like you've tapped into gold here! For me, this is why mentorships are so important. They are free, and free advice should be cherished, but also that if all education is only available to those who can pay, then we'll never get anywhere, individually or as a society, as a people! And there is SO much free wisdom to be gained, here in the lounges, DMing in the network, even just saying "yes" to a project that isn't a "career move" but gives you the opportunity to learn and grow.

Jason Mirch Yes, YEs, and YES! I have been so fortunate to meet such great people and I hope that I am in a position to give back as I have been given to.

The one piece of wisdom that changed my career path was Les Brown, motivational speaker, who asked, "If you were to pass away tomorrow, what would be your one gift that the world would be bereft of? The answer to that question informs what you want to do with your life as your purpose!" I realized then my special gifts were helping people of all ages, from kids to adults, transform their lives to achieve their potential. I then devoted myself to pursuing that dream through writing books, founding an accelerated learning institute, training, consulting, and now using screenwriting as a way to give voice to help all people pursue their dreams and find their gifts, despite those who try to put obstacles in their way.

Ricki Linksman Oh, man - that's poignant! Thank you for sharing!

Although, I have to resist some part of it. When I was a massage therapist, one of the best interviews I ever gave (and became one of my best working situations) I was asked why I do what I do - I said: "because it's my balance". So many people claim what they do for money is because they are passionate about it, but I find the stuff I do BEFORE I'm paid is what I'm most passionate about - acting, writing, producing. I did massage because I was good at it and I could live with myself by making that exchange of my time and energy for money - it was my balance, my contribution to the world that others value, but it did not give me vitality. The world will be bereft of my skill as a healer when I'm gone, but I will not go back to doing it even now because I have to value it as much as the world does. Otherwise, the "sacrifice" feels like I'm dying slowly. Ep. 207 from Liz Gilbert's Magic Lessons addresses this idea in a beautiful way: https://www.elizabethgilbert.com/magic-lessons/

If y'all missed it, Richard "RB" Botto had more than a few words of wisdom in his latest "Ask Me Anything". You may only get one question answered at a time, but I think his AMAs are a great mentor resource - and free!

Ela Thier says to Just Do Freewriting. Write badly for 10-30 minutes never letting your pen leave the paper and see what happens. What happened was it took the stress away from trying to be perfect and opened my mind to new ideas.