John Rachel: Screenwriter and music composer in Sasayama, Japan.

If you are thinking about crowdfunding or have (will have) an unsuccessful campaign, message me. I'm the founder of CineFunder.com and we are seeking quality film projects that need funding. Thanks! Dale :)

I am a union ventriloquist (VUA, Ventriloquist Union of America) based in northern Alaska next to an oil rig. I've been out of work since the 2008 economic crash, though many others are getting jobs. My dummy is nicotine addicted. The patch doesn't work with him and he blows smoke in the face of the children I'm trying to entertain. I think this has resulted in me being blacklisted. That and the Turrets problem, but I won't get into that. Any suggestions?

My career as an Osama bin Laden celebrity impersonator has stalled. Can anyone offer any helpful suggestions?

I'm on death row in Mississippi. The only reason I'm still here is that because of government cuts, they haven't been able to pay their electric bill. They tried to power the electric chair with D-cell batteries but I only ended up with some mild tingles which set off uncontrollable giggles -- I'm very ticklish -- so here I am. I know this sounds like a stupid idea. But it's such a cliche that they won't see it coming. Please bake a hacksaw into a cake and send it to me. I pretty much like any flavor but a nice lemon sponge cake would be dreamy. See you on the other side (I hope!).

I'm an emerging screenwriter from England. When I say emerging, it's mostly from my kitchen, where my laptop lives, but hey. I am a sucker for love stories, happy or sad. As long as someone does something for love, you have my attention.

Every day before school, my mother would slap a piece of fresh bacon on my forehead. I had to keep it stuck there without touching it with my hands. This required me to hold my head high and glide around gracefully the entire day at school. The idea was to project confidence and improve my posture. I used to attract a lot of flies. None of them went on to become famous producers or directors, so my screenplays have never been turned into full-length features. Would I make this up?

My mother's dying words were: "Take care of yourself, Johnny. You were born a loser and it's a tough life." I've lived by that inspiration ever since and now have a flea circus featuring five chia pets. Learning ventriloquism wasn't easy but hard work in the end pays off. With the incredible earnings from touring for only three months in southern Florida and the suburbs Galveston, Texas, I'm now wallpapering the section of the bridge I sleep under in Casper, Wyoming. My next goal is to buy earplugs to keep the bleating of the sheep from keeping me up at night.

I am the man who left peach pits on the bench at the bus stop for Uptown #14. I am the guy who wrote 'Wash Me' on your dirty windshield. I am the guy standing by the light pole across the street with a 2-month-old kitten in his back pack. I am the guy with 15 items in his basket in the 10 item express checkout lane. I am neither here nor there but everywhere. I'll see you in your dreams tonight. I'll be wearing a tuxedo and have Gwen Stephanie on my arm. Gotta go. The Dalai Lama and I play Uno every week at this time. He provides the snacks. I bring chamomile tea. http://jdrachel.com/travels/

I am the last person you think of to invite to a party. I'm the man living in the 7-11 parking lot the kids all make fun of. I'm the guy who thinks it's Halloween every day of the year. I'm the man who fell off the roof while singing "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" in a yellow leotard with Hello Kitty stickers on his face. I'm the man who tries to shoot down planes with a peashooter. I'm the fellow curled up in fetal position in the middle of the town's busiest intersection crying like a baby. I'm that Walmart shopper in a Superman suit. I'm the human interest story, you know the one, about the old pervert who braided his long beard into a jock strap and gets arrested everyday for showing his saggy butt to passing pedestrians. You already know who I am. Why am I telling you this?

Thanks for connecting, Dan. What are you working on these days?

While I was an infant in an orphanage in Ypsilanti, Michigan, the nuns used to play catch with the New Testament. One of them missed and the heavy, leather-bound book landed in my bassinet. Actually, it hit me in the stomach and I upchucked the formula I had been fed only minutes before. This was my first contact with a book and it inspired my obsessive reading ever since, though I admit most books now still give me a stomach ache.

I dabbled in writing for many years, mostly bouncing checks and leaving the phone #s of people I disliked on bathroom walls. As a songwriter from my early twenties, I penned both music and lyrics to over a hundred songs, many of which are now used at Guantanamo Base in Cuba as part of their ongoing program of psychological torture.

I wrote a crossword puzzle in 1997.

Finally, I started writing novels in 2008. It has been a phenomenal and rewarding journey since.

I am now a widely-recognized, world-renowned, published author. If you haven’t heard of me, it can only mean 1) you’ve been living in a cave in Vietnam without WiFi; 2) you’ve been in and are still in an irreversible coma from a skate board accident when you tried to jump the I-405 freeway in L.A.; 3) you got accidentally locked in the cargo bay of a C130 being stored in the Mojave Desert; 4) you’ve been spending too much time on Stage 32 and are not even aware that we have a rabid, orange, pussy-grabbing Sasquatch as the most powerful political leader in the world.

While I was an infant in an orphanage in Ypsilanti, Michigan, the nuns used to play catch with the New Testament. One of them missed and the heavy, leather-bound book landed in my bassinet. Actually, it hit me in the stomach and I upchucked the formula I had been fed only minutes before. This was my first contact with a book and it inspired my obsessive reading ever since, though I admit most books now still give me a stomach ache.

I dabbled in writing for many years, mostly bouncing checks and leaving the phone #s of people I disliked on bathroom walls. As a songwriter from my early twenties, I penned both music and lyrics to over a hundred songs, many of which are now used at Guantanamo Base in Cuba as part of their ongoing program of psychological torture.

I wrote a crossword puzzle in 1997.

Finally, I started writing novels in 2008. It has been a phenomenal and rewarding journey since.

I am now a widely-recognized, world-renowned, published author. If you haven’t heard of me, it can only mean 1) you’ve been living in a cave in Tora Bora without WiFi; 2) you’ve been in and are still in an irreversible coma from a skate board accident when you tried to jump the I-405 freeway in L.A.; 3) you got accidentally locked in the cargo bay of a C130 being stored in the Mojave Desert; 4) you’ve been spending too much time on Stage 32 and are not even aware that we have a rabid, orange, pussy-grabbing Sasquatch as the most powerful political leader in the world.

I am John Rachel and I'm so boring I fall asleep just looking at my own name. Other than writing novels and political rants, I collect string. I have a ball of string over 8 feet in diameter in my garage. Now I have no place to park my 1972 Dodge Dart Charger. The neighbors are complaining that it's an eyesore sitting out front by the curb and there are over a dozen crosses burning on my front lawn as I post this introduction.

Writing has been great therapy. Because I read so much in high school, I became physically very weak. This finally resulted in my getting a hernia from just lifting my eyebrows when I noticed two of my tropical fish were writing on the inside of their tank in Yiddish. I’m now collecting disability and confined to a hammock in my back yard, which gets rather problematic when it snows. I keep a shotgun by my side to take care of the "crow problem".

My novels are gritty and reality-based. But the reality is entirely manufactured. I have no television, thus have no way of comprehending the world. Readers often complain that my novels seem contrived, for example, having a main character eat toast with butter and napalm, then turning into a nuclear reactor which melts down and becomes an angel which spreads peace across the planet until it is pulled over by a motorcycle cop and beaten into shards of clear noodles which then escape by retreating into the cracks in the pavement. That particular plot line is from a love story — a 3,267-page romance novel I’m very proud of! It’s called Fifty Shades of Pubic Hair.

Please visit my author page at Amazon ... http://www.amazon.com/John-Rachel/e/B007V09T36 ... where you will find encrypted messages about how to prevent being infected by the brain-eating viruses the federal government has insidiously put into scratch-and-sniff coupons and smeared onto the hand grips of shopping carts at Walmart.

Or you can go here to follow my evolving world view … http://jdrachel.com.

My mail-order yak arrived today by FedEx and was dead. The smell was ghastly. You'd think they would have remembered to punch some breathing holes in the crate. This is a real tragedy. What should I tell my orangutan? He was really looking forward to some companionship. Does this mean he'll stop ghostwriting my screenplays? That would suck royally! We've had the last three out of four optioned.

I'm writing a book now called "What Does A Mermaid Eat?" based on the cuisine preferences of almost 50 mermaids I dated through TravelMermaids.com. Not surprisingly, they like fish. One evening I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I came back my goldfish was gone. The mermaid -- her name was Gisella -- just rolled her eyes and giggled. One nice thing about dating a mermaid is you don't have to worry about birth control.

I am so boring, I fall asleep just thinking about myself. I have tried to attract adulation by writing novels. Unfortunately, I write trivial garbage which just clutters the world with more nonsense. I get death threats and just today received a Father's Day card full of anthrax. I didn't even know I had a kid in Quebec.

Hey there, John. You sound fun. Thanks for connecting!